


Architecture of a Heart

by Nej_Illjuna



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Architect!Wooyoung, Attempt at Humor, Background Relationships, Designer!San, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Neighbors, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Strangers to Lovers, The rest of Ateez is there to support them, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Wooyoung is sleep deprived, school is stressful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 11:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20563370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nej_Illjuna/pseuds/Nej_Illjuna
Summary: Wooyoung wasn't thrilled to learn that the empty apartment next to his was no longer going to be vacant. He liked his silent nights that often stretched until morning, spent working on his last project due for way-too-soon. And maybe he could've learned to accept it and move on, but his new neighbor seemed to always find a way to sneak into his daily life. Him, his cheesy pick-up lines, his blinding smile and his his stupid, stupid wink.Some mild swearing, and a description of a panic attack that will be warned in the concerned chapter's notes.- (The fic is already finished, chapters will be posted regularly)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thanks for clicking ! :)  
English is not my first language, so I can't guarantee that there won't be any grammatical mistakes, but I did my best for it to be okay.
> 
> The chapters are starting off pretty short, but they get longer little by little. Everything is already written, I just have to make sure it looks good before posting it, so I'll post regularly and fast.
> 
> Hope you like it.

Wooyoung stepped out of his apartment, checking a last time the long list he completed some time ago. He still remembered the intense dread that engulfed him that one time when he didn't have any glue left right before his deadline, and was dead set on keeping it an isolated incident. Life as a future architect had enough challenges in itself. His last year of school was starting very soon, and this time, he would be prepared.

Grip tight around his bag, his eyes were still roaming the list when a grunting coming from the end of the corridor startled him. He stood there as a guy around his age dragged painfully a huge box with thick tubes poking out and a “SAN ♡” written on top of it with a black sharpie. That's when Wooyoung realized that the door next to his was wide open, a fresh and clean scent coming out of the empty apartment.

So someone was going to be his neighbor. The place had been vacant throughout last year, and as he was the last room in the hallway, he never had to worry about noise. It was a building made for students going to the nearby universities, and the city was quickly expanding, so it was a little miracle that his peace was maintained so long. Wooyoung wasn't the kind of people to seek others when it came to neighbors. In fact, after a full year of living here, he still wasn't sure of who lived on this floor. He did see this girl once getting home when he left for school, but who knows if she left during the break. So when he was faced with this newcomer, he considered doing the obvious, and put on his earbuds to avoid interaction and slightly nod to acknowledge his presence in passing. However, the poor guy struggled so much, and that box seemed so ridiculously heavy, that he put his list back in his pocket and went to him.

“Hey, you need any help ? I'm the neighbor.”

He turned sharply, strengthening himself as if he was startled, and Wooyoung couldn't help but notice how elegant this move was ; the control of his body, the clean curve of his rotation, the subtle detail of his feet readjusting without fumbling. Everything felt deliberate, and he didn't know if he liked it. The guy - San ? - smiled, his eyes turning into two happy slits, moving to shake his hand, and that made him conclude that he didn't like it, he  _ loved _ it. 

“Hey ! I’m San. And I'm also very lucky, if you mean that I'm going to see your handsome face every day from now.”

And he winked. 

He  _ hated _ it. 

Wooyoung ended abruptly the handshake, but San didn't seem to mind. Great, just great. His first interaction after a year of nothingness, and it was with a player. He shouldn't have stopped. Now every time he was going to see him in the lobby there would be this awkwardness from being hit on floating around. That was not what he needed after a long day of exhausting work.

“Sorry, I've got things to do”, he muttered, getting away feeling like an asshole after offering his help. 

He felt the blinding smile radiating in his back.

“Okay, you know where to find me ! Oh by the way, what's your na-”

The doors of the elevator closed behind him, muting the end of his question. Wooyoung banged his head against the mirror in rhythm with the ticking of the floors.

Of course he had to be the grumpy panicked type and not the blushing one. A cute guy comes to live next to him, compliments him, and he finds nothing else to do than give him the cold shoulder. Real social skills here. 

“Good job, Wooyoung, very cool”, he muttered to his reflection.


	2. Chapter 2

The strap of Wooyoung's bag was starting to carve itself into his shoulder. When he first started, he would have never guessed that the materials needed for all the models he had to produce would be so heavy, but so much cardboard and foam and weirdly specific cutting boards ended up quite weighty. So yeah, he was hurting, a bit bent over to ease the strain on his back, but that's not where his mind was at while on the elevator leading him to his floor. 

Hi, I'm Wooyoung. Sorry for fleeting last time, I had an emergency. No, that wasn't right… Hi, sorry for letting you hanging, I really had to get somewhere. By the way my name is Wooyoung. Better, but not quite there yet. Blind to his anxiety, the doors opened, and he could see immediately San's door wide open with him dragging two huge trash bags inside. Surprised, he checked his phone ; he was gone for more than an hour, and that guy was _ still _ loading his room ? 

Those weren't real apartments, just a fusion of a bedroom/kitchen/living room and a small bathroom. Everything came with furniture, too. So how many things was he trying to stuff in there ? Shaking his head, he squared his shoulders - ouch - and came to knock on his open door. Surprisingly, he could only see two more boxes on the ground. What, did he sleep between each one ?

His stream of thoughts was interrupted by San's head poking from the bathroom, quickly switching from curious to elated. That boy was incredibly expressive. 

“Oh hey ! Neighbor !” 

“Yeah, hey, me, hum…” 

What. What was he supposed to say again ? His mind went blank in front of these eyes. They were so sharp. Come on Wooyoung, get yourself together, you can do it. 

“I'm Wooyoung”, he blurted out. 

“Hi Wooyoung”, he giggled, waving his fingers, and said Wooyoung was this close to waltz back into his own apartment.

“Do you, hum… Do you still need help ? Sorry I ran off, I had to… Do stuff.”

“Do me.”

“What ?” 

“Do me a favor and help me with my wardrobe !” he proposed, stepping aside to point to a humongous pile of fabric - how could he miss that ? “I don’t have anything more to bring here, but that would save me a ton of time. If you're okay with it, obviously.”

Wooyoung wasn't sure what exactly happened, but he wasn't going to drop the ball another time. He nodded, and dropped his bag on the floor, resigned to let it scrap the ground rather than his own flesh. 

“Yeah, sure. Just, let me put that away before.” 

San watched him with interest, even following him to the hallway, leaning to the doorframe. 

“So… You're an art student ?”

“Not exactly, I'm an architect -” 

“What a waste, you're already a masterpiece, you wouldn't have had to do anything.”

Wooyoung rolled his eyes so hard that it even hurt a little. He had almost forgotten.

“Don't make me regret this”, he sighed, closing his door after finally abandoning his bag. 

“What ? I'm only saying the truth”, he protested, a brow up in a mid-frown, seeming offended.

“Yeah, right. Let's get to this wardrobe.”

Besides a little pout, San didn't react more and instead led him to his room. Same layout, same furniture. A lot more empty. 

“Okay, so, this pile isn't fragile, so you can take care of it. From top to bottom, hoodies and stuff, tops, bottoms, accessories, miscellaneous. If you see any jumper or onesies, set it aside, I'll hang it later. Got it ?” 

“Yup. Why do you have so much though ? Will it even fit ?” he asked, filing the clothes accordingly.

“I hope so”, he laughed, and it was light and high-pitched, and somewhat Wooyoung felt lighter, too. “Otherwise I will have to repurpose some drawers around here. I need to have references when I work, you know what I mean ?” 

Wooyoung gaped a little.

“You're a designer ?” 

“I like sewing”, he smiled, and something knotted itself in Wooyoung's stomach. The way he said it, and his fingers brushed delicately the fabric's folds… It was weirdly innocent.

They worked in silence, slowly decreasing the never-ending mountain of colorful clothing, and when the wardrobe became inevitably full, San thanked him and said he'll take it from there with his disarming smile. Wooyoung politely insisted, he politely declined, and that's how he ended alone on his bed, arms and shoulders burning. Not as much as his heart. 

And he hated it. He hated the way he was weak enough to feel anything other than disdain for his bad flirting. He hated that he knew that he probably told these cheesy lines to anyone and that something in him still reacted. He hated this smile, he hated these winks.

Hopefully, he was going to be just like every other resident on this floor, and never, ever cross his path ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

It took two weeks for Wooyoung's classes to become regular, after all the chaos following the beginning of a new year. Coincidentally, it also took two weeks for San to get out at the same time as him ; way too early. 

“Oh hi, Wooyoung !” he smiled, and his lungs squeezed a little. He had been this close to forgetting him and his stupid eye smile. This close. “Finally I see you again ! I missed you~ !” 

He even had the audacity to wink. Wooyoung huffed, passing him to get to the elevator. 

“Hi, San.”

“You remembered my name !” 

How did he shine so bright saying that ? Was he the actual sun ? Wooyoung cringed at the thought. What had de become.

“Well, you remembered mine, so, that's only fair”, he answered, defensive.

“You know, it's hard to forget a God's name when you've met them.”

Wooyoung gagged, supporting himself against the mirror while the doors closed, and besides him, San smiled peacefully, as if he didn't just utter the worst pick-up line he had ever heard.

“This one was really bad.”

“Yeah, I had more inspiration with the masterpiece one. Go easy on me, it's only 5 AM, I can't always find the right metaphor for your stunning beauty.”

“Please stop saying that.”

“My granny always told me to say the truth though.”

Wooyoung sighed stepping out of the elevator, deciding not to fight this battle, and was only half annoyed when he realized that they were both walking towards the same station. He wished he could be fully annoyed.

“You get up pretty early”, said San out of nowhere. 

“Yeah, I like to have the time to clean up my presentation before I have to do it and I work better there. What about you, is your school far away ?” 

“No, I just like to use some tools they have there and there's always someone using it during the evening”, he whined.

A couple of seconds passed before San started again. 

“That's pretty cool. Your dedication.”

“I'm not… a natural at it, so I just have to work harder. And I hear you work until morning sometimes, so I think we're equal here.”

The regular tshk-tshk-tshk of his sewing machine sometimes kept him company during his working nights. He started off hating it, but at this point it was more comforting than anything else. It felt… Less lonely.

San was horrified. 

“Oh, oh no, I never considered - I'm so sorry ! I'll try to not use it after midnight or-” 

“It's fine. I like it. Seriously.”

They finally reached their stop, but San wasn't as bright as before. As he was suspicious, Wooyoung smiled at him, in hopes of convincing him. Instead of seeming reassured, he was in shock, rising a hand to his chest. 

“Oh my god. How do you even survive when you look at yourself in the mirror ? How does ANYONE survive that ? That's it. I'm dead. I can't. That's too much for me.”

Frustrated, Wooyoung groaned. Why couldn't he go just two minutes before spewing nonsense ? And it was so pleasant talking to him when he wasn't.

What ? No. Not pleasant. Who said that ?

“Dead people can't talk, San.”

Just like a child, San zipped his mouth, threw the zipper away, and proceeded to mimic a series of events ranging from a heart attack to his ascension to heaven. He was flapping his arms around like ridiculous - but weirdly gracious - wings when a laugh escaped from a Wooyoung with a pretty bad poker face. And the huge smile that revealed his dimples and made his eyes shine somehow made it okay.

A bus turned at the end of the street, and San indicated energetically that it was his. He climbed it, waved, flew him a kiss, and winked. The doors closed, the bus roared. 

Wooyoung's heart too. 

Stupid, stupid wink.


	4. Chapter 4

Wooyoung was working on his latest blueprint when he heard it. First, the steady vibration of the sewing machine stopped, and, more importantly, didn't start again. And maybe he was working on a smaller piece than usual, because it was just midnight and San told him last Thursday - the day where they always ended up walking together - that he had a lot of work to do. So that's what it was, he decided. Just a small piece of clothing that didn't require much sewing. 

But then he heard a soft sob. Turning towards the wall that separated them, he froze. Maybe he heard wrong. But then a hiccup followed, and his heart dropped. He tried to imagine San's joyful face with anything resembling sorrow. It didn't work. It was so, so wrong. 

It was a thousand times worse than any wink. 

Slowly, he crawled on his bed, facing the blank wall. It’s not like he could do anything. They didn't even really know each other. But the subtle sniffing coming through the thin wall kept on squeezing his lungs, and he felt so helpless in this instant. He knew San’s desk was right there, a perfect copy of his, and he must have been sitting behind it, in front of his unfinished work. It reminded him of these times when the pressure was too high, and he would break down because the veranda he envisioned just  _ wouldn't fit _ . Of the times he was too tired. Too alone. He had no way of knowing what caused it for San, but… He could at least try to be there.

Holding his breath, he raised a hand, and slowly, softly, he knocked on the wall between them.

“... San ? You okay there ?”

A muffled sound, silence, and a weak knock on the other side. 

“Yeah. Don’t worry.”

He could barely hear it, much less decipher the emotions behind it, but it was enough. The terrible sound of a chair scraping the floor tiles was followed a little later by the recognizable whisper of a running shower. At least he wasn't just sitting there anymore.

Wooyoung sighed, rubbing his tired eyes, looking at his work, the wall, his work again. He should get back to it now. These rooms weren't going to design themselves on their own.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, San was waiting there, in the hallway, when Wooyoung came out with his saturated folder.

It was Monday.

Frowning, Wooyoung stared at him, looking for a reason as to why he would be up so early when he only worked on the afternoon. San stared back, smile a little less assured than usual. 

“Hi”, he said with a wave. “Mind if I come along ?” 

Wooyoung remembered what happened last night, and wondered if it was linked in a way or another. Maybe he wanted to talk about it. Maybe he absolutely did not want to touch the subject and just wanted to clear the awkwardness before it was too much. Maybe none of the above. But it was clear he needed this, so he nodded, starting to walk.

“Sure. How are you today ?”, he asked naturally. 

“I’m fine, I just need to clear my head a little. Hey random question but do you like dogs ?” 

“Uh, yeah, obviously. How could you not love them. Why ? Please don’t tell me you adopted a puppy in secret and want me to take care of it for some god forsaken reason when I clearly did not consent to it.”

“You know that sounded weirdly specific for such a common question. You wanna talk about it ?”

“Look, I’ve had weird friends in the past”, Wooyoung sighed. 

“Anyway, no, I didn’t adopt a puppy, although, now that you mention it, maybe I should.”

“Please don’t become the weird friend.”

“Aw, does that mean I’m your friend ?” 

It was said as a joke, but also, not really. Something that could be dropped if it fell flat but could just as well become something more. So Wooyoung didn’t laugh. He thought about it. He thought about the long nights alone that became filled with the rhythm of the sewing machine. The Thursdays. The effortless conversations. The weird and bad flirting. The way his heart hurt when he was faced with the wall between them. 

“... Yeah. You’re my friend.”

San’s jovial smile dimmed a little. He wasn't expecting a sincere answer. He nodded several times, looking elsewhere, before coming back to him with a happiness so clearly painted on his face Wooyoung's heart started to hurt again, differently.

“I’m glad we are friends.”

And it felt like the piece of a puzzle that fell perfectly in place. Wooyoung always felt weird when someone asked to be his friend. Because that’s not how it was supposed to work in his eyes, friendship wasn’t a contract you agreed on and fulfilled until termination, it was something that just happened and then you had to deal with it. And as they were walking towards the station, way too early with way too little sleep, that's what it seemed like to him. San happened. Now he just had to deal with it. 

“It’s kind of unfair how you’re incredibly beautiful inside  _ and _ out. I didn't know you were an all rounder, Wooyoung.”

No idea how he was going to deal with that though.

When his usual bus went by, San didn't take it. He just stayed with him, talking about nothing in particular, talking about that new fashion show, the weird color someone in his class used, and occasionally spilling another one-liner about his neighbor’s beauty. And when Wooyoung climbed in his bus and looked behind him one last time, he saw him going back to their apartments. He only came to talk to him. 

It was nice. 


	6. Chapter 6

Wooyoung threw his bag at the bottom of his bed, bitter. It had not been a good day. He had been working on this project for two months, two whole months skipping meals and sleep to present everything in time. And all that for what ? Pity points that didn't even reach a third of a passing grade ? The teacher using it as an example of terrible work ? Students asking him if he even _ tried _ ?

He crouched, face hidden behind his hands, trying to calm his breathing. He shouldn't let it get to him. He shouldn't, but he really gave it his best this time. If he had done a part of it sloppily, skipped any detail, then it would be better, because he would know that he could have done a better job. But he didn't. He monitored every single aspect of this project. He didn't know what he could have done to make it good.

Maybe it was just him that wasn't good enough. 

He jumped up, slapping himself. No. He was not going down that road. He was going to pull himself together, start a new project, and nail it. He could do it. He made it this far, nothing was going to stop him now. It was going to be okay. 

His model, a bit askew because of the impact, was sitting on top of the paper showing the single-digit grade, as if to mock him. Wooyoung glared at it, each second hating it just a little more. Maybe he should go visit his parents, just to get an opportunity to make it burn et seeing it turn to ashes. The idea was enticing. Maybe in the meantime he should put it-

A sudden knock on the door made him jump. Was it the landlord ? He said he wasn't coming to check this leaking issue before next week ! Wooyoung really wasn’t in the mood for this right now. He groaned, and firmly opened the door. 

“What ?!”

San looked at him with wide eyes, quickly checking behind him to see if there was anyone else there.

“I’m sorry. Is it a bad time ? I can come back later. Or, you know. Not at all.”

Wooyoung sighed, hiding his face behind a hand, trying to look less aggressive. That’s not what he was expecting. They never interacted outside of their morning routine, except that one time with the knock on the wall, and if he had to be perfectly honest he had been waiting for this kind of event for quite some time now. It would have been better if it wasn’t the worst possible timing. He breathed in, channeling his inner peace for San’s sake - he was still looking panicked -, and dropped his hand, forcing a smile.

“No, it’s fine, I was just - nevermind. Do you, uh, need something ?”

San tried to smile, still a little hesitant.

“So… My stove just broke.”

He pulled out a pack of ramen.

“Can I cook it here ?”

In a horrifying vision, Wooyoung saw the trash laying around, multiple underwear thrown haphazardly regardless of the location, used tissues -

“Be right back.”

He slammed the door, proceeded to accomplish emergency maneuvers in record time, and came back to the door. San was still in the same position, ramen raised, and his lips sealed tightly in a long line ending in cheeks slightly puffed. How could he be so cute when he was dying there. Wooyoung stepped aside, giving him some space.

“Okay, come in.”

He entered carefully, looking around with curious eyes. It felt weird to have someone there. Aside from his parents to set up and the landlord, no one wandered inside.

“Should I get off my shoes ?” 

“Do whatever, I don’t really care.”

Wooyoung suddenly felt nervous. With the way that San examined everything, it was just like he was naked. He could see his pile of books and magazines, his messy bed, the dishes in the sink and - oh god, what if he opened his wardrobe and found out he had no style whatsoever ?

“Sorry for the mess”, he whispered, his soul quitting his body at the mere thought of him taking a look at his bathroom.

“Meh, I’ve seen way worse”, he shrugged, finally showing his real, blinding smile. “You’re okay.”

Wooyoung finally remembered to breathe thanks to this statement. Why was he so worked up out of nowhere ?

“I mean you’re way more than okay, you’re more of a “Oh my god yes please”, but I think that was already established.”

He grunted and hit his shoulder, not affecting in the slightest his bright expression. He just stood there, grinning while looking him in the eyes, and Wooyoung felt a warmth in his chest he wasn't expecting. He averted his eyes, confused, and kneeled in front of the little fridge to focus.

“You want something more to eat ? I didn't have dinner yet, so we could kill two birds with one stone.”

“You don’t mind me raiding your food ?” 

“You’ll just have to pay me back by inviting me next time.”

Wooyoung froze. He didn't plan on saying that. They barely reached the point where they saw each other outside of commute, it was way too fast-

“Well if you tempt me like that, how can I say no ? What do you have ?”

San crouched behind him, considering the food on the mostly empty trays. Being a student meant he didn't have much choice. He got up, and started the water.

“Well, you take a look at it and I’ll start washing the dishes. Didn’t plan on having dinner for two tonight.”

“You do, usually ?” 

That sounded weird. San had his back turned to him, head still in the fridge.

“San, we can hear each other if we breathe a little too hard with these paper walls. We both know we spend the night working, not fooling around.”

“I mean, sometimes you come back late.”

Quiet. Barely heard above the clinging of the spoons. Wooyoung swallowed.

“Only because I get wrapped up in work and lose track of time. You’re… The only one I talk to, really.”

San hummed a little, before springing up with a cry like a devil, making Wooyoung jump. 

“Wha-” 

“We should do some spaghetti carbonara !”

He was proudly showing some cream and bacon that he found, ramen forgotten. Whatever that moment between them was, it was over. Wooyoung pointed with his foot towards a closet.

“The pasta is here. You know how to cook that ?” 

“No, but we can look it up.”

“You want to get experimental for the first occasion ? You’d better make it good, don’t disappoint me.”

San looked up from his phone where he was looking for a recipe and raised his eyebrows.

“I kinda feel like that’s something I would have said. Did I taint you ?”

“I didn't - It’s not my fault if everything becomes an innuendo with you !” 

“Okay, okay, I get it, we’re just talking about making pasta, nothing else.”

“Thank you.”

“But with that being said…”

San put a hand on his shoulder, distracting him from his task, and the gaze that he was confronted with struck him like lightning. It was new, it was serious, it made something knot and burn inside of him - 

“I’ll let you know that... I am _ not _ disappointing. I can make it _ very _ good.”

Wooyoung wanted to swallow, but his mouth was too dry. The hand on his shoulder was scalding hot. He had the urge to make fun of it, fight back with something, say anything to let the tension drop and let him breathe again, but his mind was blank, the room was too small, and he was too close and -

“So we should probably start by boiling the water”, said San, turning to the stove to put a pan on it. “The recipe said that’s what takes the most time.”

And just like that, the temperature dropped back to normal levels. Wooyoung bit his cheek and closed his eyes. He didn't like it. He shouldn't have reacted this way when it was this obvious that he was just messing with him and didn't take it seriously. He shouldn't let himself fall for it so easily. San didn't seem to have any ill intentions, and it was only on him if he started to believe his jokes. Come on, Wooyoung, you’re better than this.

“Wooyoung… ?”

He opened his eyes. San was worried. Obviously. He was acting weird for no reason. Breathe, smile. You got this.

“Yeah, sorry. Just a bit tired. I’ve had a long day.”

It didn't seem to work. San turned back to his heating water, face not a single bit more relaxed. Great, he made it awkward.

“So… can I do something to help ?”

“Hm ? Uh… I guess you could take an egg and separate the yolk”, he suggested, scrolling on his phone.

“Well… I can always _ try _.”

It was a huge failure. But when the third egg went flying and crashed on the floor, San cleaned it himself spontaneously while laughing hysterically, and everything was good again. He saw that as an absolute win. 

“And here I was scared of you judging my cooking skills”, laughed San. 

“I get why you would be, I’m pretty awesome.”

“And handsome.”

“My incredible sexyness shouldn't distract you from everything I say”, complained Wooyoung.

San gaped. 

“So you know you are !” 

“Sexy ? Obviously, that’s like, my strongest point. I’m sexy. Maybe I have some self-esteem issues but I’m not _ blind _.”

“Then why do you always reject it when I’m the one that says it ?!” he complained loudly, straining the pasta. “Every time you just look in total denial.”

“Well maybe if you said it less often, it would be more impactful”, he replied, setting the table for two.

“How am I supposed to keep all of those feelings inside of me and not express them ? Do you think I’m some kind of god ?”

“I’m not going to answer that.”

San put his elbow on the table, rising an eyebrow seductively.

“Do you ?” 

“Would a god forget his bacon on the stove ?”

“Oh shi-” 

He scrambled to get to the frying pan, quickly scraping what could be salvaged in a bowl. He then raised it in the air, victorious.

“Good news ! More than half of it is still edible !”

“Thank god”, he said sarcastically.

“Don’t mention it.”

Wink.

Wooyoung rolled his eyes, and shared what they made in equal parts. They ate in relative silence, but even then, it felt more lively. He ate surrounded by people between his classes, but it really wasn’t the same. It felt… Comfortable.

They were almost done when San hummed loudly, his mouth full.

“Wh’t z’dat ?” 

He pointed to the faulty model in the corner of the room. Wooyoung's throat tightened. Unaware of his internal turmoil, San finished his plate and went sitting in front of it.

“Is that one of your works ?” 

“Yeah”, he said, weakly. “But it’s really not good.”

“What ? No way ! It’s so cool ! Can I touch it ?” he asked, hands already half risen. 

“N… I mean… If you want, yeah. But I… I really hate it.”

“But why ?” he wondered, picking it up and turning it around, looking at all the angles, very carefully. “It’s really pretty. I love that thingy, there.”

“The flying buttress ?”

“Is that a real name or are you just making fun of me ?” 

“That’s what I wondered too back then.”

“Well butt or no butt I really really like it. It’s what’s on the side of some churches right ? Why can’t we have them on other buildings too ? Is that a rule or something ? Are priests going to sue corporations if they do ? I love all that stuff on gothic churches. They should do it again. It was awesome. You’ve got great taste.”

Wooyoung smiled, but it was a bit bitter. His teacher’s voice was still overpowering everything else in his mind.

“Well, it’s not really what the majority of people think today”, he tried to explain. “It’s a style with a lot of unnecessary decorations, and now we’re more looking for a simple and clean kind of feel ?” 

San frowned, displeased, and then he noticed the grade besides him, and he went from mildly annoyed to full-on scandalized.

“WHAT ?! Are you kidding me ?! What were they drinking when they reviewed you work ?”

“Look, I took risks, I deserved it-” 

“No you don’t ! Are you seriously telling me that this deserved a 3 ?!” 

Wooyoung winced. 

“You don’t know what they were looking for, you just find it pretty and it’s not enough to-”

“Maybe I’m not a professional in your field but I know a personal grudge when I see one, and that ?” He pointed the mark. “That’s super personal. I get it, they’re looking for elegance and pure lines and flowing curves but what if I want to do modernized gorgeous dresses from the rococo era with more underskirts than should be allowed ? Am I suddenly a bad designer ? I know the trend, I just want to do what I enjoy doing. Maybe I won't ever be a trendsetter or even have a place in big events but that won’t stop me from using lace for useless fluff. I know you work super hard, I know you get it. They don’t. You’re still a student so it’s not like you had a billion dollar company suing you because they weren't into it. I’m not saying I like it just because it looks fine and I don’t understand it enough to see its flaws. I also work with those trends, so, when I see something that clearly is a fusion of modern and old, I can appreciate it. It’s their problem if they don’t get it and want to punish you for getting creative. Not yours.”

The silence following his rant was heavy. Wooyoung licked his lips and looked down, unable to withstand his determined stare. He wanted to fight back, to say that he really had no idea what he was talking about, but he had a point. He, too, must have been faced with the same issue at some point. He wasn't completely convinced, but… Maybe he wasn't completely wrong.

“... Thanks. For saying that. That's… Nice of you.”

“I’m not saying it to be nice”, he muttered, putting the model back in its place. “I never say anything to be nice. I just say what I think.”

San got up, still frowning a bit, and after pondering, slammed his hand on the table.

“That’s it. I’m taking you out.”

“Excuse me ?” 

“I’m cleaning the mess we made because of me, and we’re going to get ice cream.”

“It’s November.”

“So ? Would the fast food joints still sell them if you weren't supposed to eat it ?” 

“I doubt your body is supposed to absorb anything those places call food.”

“Wooyoung, I’ve seen what’s inside your fridge, don't you dare act all healthy in front of me.”

He started to clean the table, but then his face softened.

“... You really don't want to ?” 

Wooyoung felt his heart melt a little. 

“What kind of guy would say no to free food ?” he sighed, hiding his embarrassment by running a hand through his hair.

“Oh God, warn me before you do things like that, I could've died you know !” he exclaimed, hand on his chest and mouth agape.

“You wouldn’t be the first casualty of sexy Wooyoung”, he said, doing it again. 

San froze. Wooyoung froze. The whole room was frozen.

“I need a second”, whispered San, violently turning on the water and splashing himself above the sink. 

“Yeah, me too”, he croaked, cringing so hard he turned into a ball to cope with what he just uttered.

That was so embarrassing. What had gotten to him ? He had been able to say that kind of stuff in front of friends for years, but now somehow it was very uncomfortable. That was terrible.

“Hey, Wooyoung.”

“Wha-”

Drops of water smudged his face as soon as he exposed it. San looked at him with a bright smile, hands wet, and Wooyoung didn't find it in himself to get mad at him. Just like, when they were out eating ice cream while they definitely shouldn't judging by the weather, he didn't feel cold. Just like he didn't feel like he was wasting time, when he should have been studying. 

And when they parted ways late at night, each going through their door, and he heard the sewing machine getting started, Wooyoung thought that, maybe, they were way more similar than he first thought.


	7. Chapter 7

Wooyoung was walking fast down the road, soaked wet despite his umbrella and terribly cold. He looked left and right at the brightly lit shops showcasing their goods, finding nothing. Eventually, he spotted a dry spot on the ground indicating that he would be safe there, and checked his phone, hesitant.

When San told him this morning that he had prepared something for Christmas, Wooyoung totally panicked. He wasn't expecting it, and now he had to find something for him too, and despite spending the day stressing about it he still had no idea what to do. He had hoped that inspiration would strike him with the help of all the ads plastered in town, but nothing seemed good enough. And now, he was there, dripping, frozen, and about to do something he would definitely regret out of desperation.

With a sigh, he called the number displayed on the screen.

“Wooyoung ? Is that you ?”

“Hi, Yunho…”

“Woah, it’s been so long ! How are you doing ? You still remember to eat everyday right ? That’s not a “come and save me from my own negligence” type of situation, is it ?”

“No, no, I’m fine. I just… Need some advice, I guess. And luck, too. So I thought…”

“You know I’m the men of the situation. Go ahead, shoot.”

Wooyoung breathed. Slowly. 

“So. There’s this guy.”

A loud gasp with static screeched in his ear. He groaned. 

“No, not like that ! He’s just my neighbor.”

“That’s still the only time you’ve told me about  _ any _ guy.”

“Whatever. So he told me he was going to give me a present for Christmas, and now I have to find one too before I seem like an ass.”

“You tried the usual Christmas packs ? Scented candles, stuff like that ?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know, it doesn't feel right. I would like it to, you know… Be a little more meaningful maybe.”

“Oh, but it’s not  _ like that _ ”, Yunho mocked him. 

“I can still hang up and deal with it myself so watch it !” warned Wooyoung, glad that no one could see him blush.

“You know you need me, otherwise you wouldn't have called me. So tell me, how’d you met him ?”

“Okay, bye Yunho, thanks for nothing.”

“Wait wait wait ! I’m not trying to find more information to mess with you, I need it to help you choose ! You want to find the right gift, so I have to know the guy at least a little ! Wooyoung ! Are you still there ?” 

“I ran into him when he was moving in.”

“Okay, how did it go ?” 

“... I kind of panicked.”

“Oh no, what did you do ?” 

“It’s fine, I ended up helping him !” 

“I can feel the awkwardness through time and space.”

“It doesn't matter anyway, we… We walk together some mornings to catch the bus. We’re friends. It’s fine.”

“Every time you say it’s fine I feel a little worse about the situation. I can’t tell if you’re in this relationship against your will or if you’re trying really hard to act like you don’t care.”

“Stop analyzing me and help with the stupid gift !” he exploded.

“Okay, okay, geez. So what is he like ? Do you know his interests, anything ?”

“He… He works in fashion. He’s always making new clothes. He likes pretty things… Really loves his grandparents… I think he likes dogs… I don’t know, he’s really sweet but works very hard.”

“Mmh. What kind of message do you want to say with your gift ?” 

“I… I didn't really think about it. Thank you, maybe ? Yes, that seems right.”

“Give me a second to think about it.”

The rain didn't stop, its constant song a comforting background sound. On the other side of the call, something moved.

“Okay I think I got it. You see the street that starts between the museum and Burger King ? Go there and look for a blue wooden frontage. I’ll guide you from there.”

“Copy that”, said Wooyoung, rising his umbrella again to fight the rain.

“Oh and by the way.”

“Yeah ?” 

“I’m glad you’ve got someone to say thanks to. I know we don’t talk a lot since we’re both busy, but you can always give me a call if you need to. Knowing you’ve got someone to talk to on a regular basis is… Nice.”

“To be honest, I’m a bit of a mess when it comes to it”, admitted Wooyoung. “But I’m doing my best. He’s… Really encouraging and all. I’d like to give it back.”

“He’s getting you a present, I’m sure you already did one way or another.”

His grip around the phone tightened.

“I hope.”


	8. Chapter 8

It was the last day before winter break, and, in the cold elevator getting him up to his home, Wooyoung was a bit depressed. The new project was off to a bad start, and he was going to sacrifice his holiday to make it in time. San had been supportive regarding his recent failure, but this time he had to make it. San… San was going back to his grandparents to spend Christmas with them. This meant no more walking together talking about nothing, no more busy sounds behind his back in the middle of the night. Just silence and loneliness, like before. And Wooyoung had been okay with that, it was the life he had led up to this point when he made his career choices, but now he wasn't sure he could go back to that.

And maybe it was a bit sad, that all it took to break his will was some walks in the mornings and a mechanical humming behind a wall, but that’s where he was now, and he was feeling colder and colder.

He stepped in his hallway, San waiting in front of their doors, and suddenly he was reminded that those things would mean nothing if it wasn’t him, with this smile.

“You’re here !” he exclaimed, clearly satisfied.

“I’m here”, smiled Wooyoung, fighting the tiredness he felt after that day’s workload.

“You know that’s my last night here before I go ?”

“That’s what you said, yeah”, he said, trying to hide his bitterness.

“So I thought it was the right time for me to pay you back !” 

Wooyoung blinked. 

“I’m sorry, what ?”

“I owe you dinner, remember ? I cleaned up my room and everything. So…” 

He vaguely pointed to his door, a bit more unsure than usual.

“Maybe if you’re not too busy…”

“I’ve got time”, he almost screamed, fumbling to get the keys to his own apartment. “Just, let me get rid of my stuff-” 

“Okay, I’ll let the door open, just come in when you’re ready.”

Wooyoung never undressed so fast before. He wasn't even sure as to why he was so impatient, but that didn't stop him from throwing his bag on his bed to save time from walking there. With a quick trip to the bathroom and clean clothes, he was ready to go, and even though San said to come in, he knocked before inviting himself. 

The last time he was there, there was nothing but the bare furniture, totally impersonal. Now there were colorful clothes suspended everywhere, huge rolls of fabric stacked on the wall, an extension to his workspace, and more importantly, plushies. Little and big balls of fur everywhere. Traditional, with buttons for eyes, and very modern ones, where owls could be a bright sparkly blue with glass ornaments.

Wooyoung thought back to the old doll store Yunho led him to the other day, and felt suddenly grateful. He really was the best to find gifts.

San was already pulling food out of his fridge, barely looking at him. 

“You can make yourself at home”, he said, weighing rice. “If you want to, you can sit on the bed. It’s more comfy than the plastic chairs. Seriously, who decided to make it about as soft as the floor ?”

Following his advice, Wooyoung plopped down on the mattress. Pink sheets. Cute. 

“Do you need any help ?”

“I’ve got everything under control.”

“Just like you had the bacon under control ?” 

“We do NOT talk about bacon in this house”, he asserted.

“What are you cooking ?” 

“Risotto.”

“Have you done it before ?” 

His eyes flickered to him before going back to the pan.

“I practiced.”

“Successfully ?” 

“Look, what matters is that I’ve put in the effort”, he said loudly.

Wooyoung laughed, and San’s face softened. While he busied himself with everything else - did he cut these onions in advance ? -, Wooyoung continued on observing his surroundings. The sewing machine he had heard so many times, white and shiny, was pushed to the side to give some space to a small TV. In a corner, a big box with foldable little shelves was full of threads, needles, lace and ribbons. Besides it, a container of pearls and glass beads. Everything was neatly organized, and overall… Pretty. He didn't know what he imagined, but it was so much like him he wasn’t able to picture it any other way.

“How is your room back at home ?” suddenly asked Wooyoung.

“There’s way more space, to begin with. There I can work in the living room, or keep my fabric in the garage… Also there's the rest of my teddies”, he smiled, looking at a worn stuffed rabbit. “I miss them. How’s yours ?” 

He took the time to remember his old bedroom, at his parents’ house. The clean walls, big wardrobe holding his past projects, his neatly folded bed.

“Empty.”

San looked over his shoulder, thinking about something.

“You didn't want to decorate it ?” 

“I guess I didn't know how to.”

He hummed in acknowledgement, stirring the thickening mixture.

“My room used to be very boring too when I was younger.”

“Really ?” Wooyoung replied, surprised.

“Yeah. I mean, it was cosy and all, I liked it, but I never really dared to put what I liked on the walls or change the curtains. Sometimes I wanted to, and then I thought about what my friends at the time would say if they saw pink glitter patterns on the floor, and it just wasn’t worth the risk. So, I didn’t. It was easier this way.”

“What made you change your mind ?”

“My granny was shopping with me in one of those home renovation places, and I saw the most beautiful carpet I’ve ever seen. Bright purple and hot pink waves. I kept staring at it, and wandering off to look at it some more, and she said, fine, I’ll just take it. And I insisted that she shouldn’t, but she did anyway, and my grandpa installed it the next day, and, well, since it was there already, might as well go all out.”

“It’s funny”, pondered Wooyoung, looking at his feet. “I always envisioned fashion designers working with really mute colors, or only one to make it pop. But everything you do is so… bright.”

“Well, in your defense that’s what you’re supposed to do most of the time. Kind of like how you’re supposed to do sleek white and transparent labs that try to pass as houses. What is up with that, seriously ?”

“That’s to open space.”

“If I wanted my space to be open I wouldn’t live with my blinds closed.”

Wooyoung leaned back, a huge bear supporting his weight. It felt easy to be there, with the slightly yellowish lights, the sound of the rain beating the window and the enticing smell coming from the stove. His eyes went back to San, still stirring. He was in his element here, surrounded by things that made him happy. He wondered if he was one of those things. Absentmindedly, he considered his stance. It was so perfect it wasn’t supposed to happen in real life, like a drawing just made to be aesthetically pleasing. His saturated yellow tee-shirt hanged from his wide shoulders to his narrow waist, tucked in his pants and held by a belt of the same color. It was simple, but well coordinated, and it just worked. It was nice on him. He was nice. Everything was nice.

“O-KAY, food is ready, everybody come to the table !”

San swirled back with total control of his body, a huge smile on his face, and Wooyoung obeyed gladly.

“It really smells good. I hope it tastes just as good and that I’m not going to be terribly disappointed at the first bite.”

“Come on, believe in me a little !”

Turns out, it really was good. Way better than his last attempt at Wooyoung’s place. He told him, and San looked touched by the compliment. The mood only improved after a heated discussion about who was the best at Mario Kart, San setting up his old Wii following the end of the meal.

“You just wait, I’ll make you regret bragging in front of me”, he said, menacing, dusting off his old wiimotes.

“It must be nice, being this delusional”, Wooyoung bit back, sitting comfortably on the bed.

He was starting to really feel tired, but now his pride was on the line and any mention of it would feel like bad excuses. No matter what, he was going to end this and come out on top.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mario Kart Wii was the best game to make or break friendships and you can't change my opinion

“Oh come on !!” screamed San, his Daisy falling to her demise on the void of Star Road.

“That’s what you get for using blue shells !!” shouted back Wooyoung, this close to have Yoshi fly off the track.

“The game wouldn't give it to me if I wasn't supposed to use it !!”

“Well the gam- DON’T PUSH ME !!” he screeched, fighting against San’s elbow.

Multiple loud bangs coming from the ceiling shut them up, San stopping his attack.

“What time is it ?” he whispered, eyes on Daisy.

“I don’t know, why won’t you look at your phone ?” answered Wooyoung, still focused despite his intense need to sleep.

“Don’t you know how dangerous it is to text and drive ?” San gritted out, leaning onto Wooyoung again, locking his arm in an uncomfortable position.

“Don’t give me th- OH ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW ?!”

Wooyoung, right at the end of the track, got hit by a blue shell, and could only watch, powerless, as Daisy lazily bumped on his Yoshi before finishing the race and San exploded with a high pitched, breaking laugh. Scandalized, Wooyoung crossed his arms.

“I want a rematch.”

“It's our fifth cup and I won three ! Just admit it, I’m better than you !”

“No you’re not ! You’re just lucky ! I won with my skills ! How is it fair that you always get the most overpowered items ?!” he whined, desperate.

“Talent ?” San suggested with a cocky grin, and Wooyoung tried to hit him with whatever strength he still had.

“You’re a cheater”, he accused weakly, trying to wrestle him with the help of his righteous wrath instead of his long gone energy. 

“No I’m not”, he protested, holding Wooyoung's vengeful fists without much trouble. “You’re the one that kicked my controller mid-race ! Don’t act all mighty on me !”

“That was  _ one time _ !” he moaned, closing his eyes just a second because it was really, really hard to keep them open. “Doesn’t count.”

“If it doesn't count then the cup you won with it doesn't count either.”

“Shut up…”

He sighed, hanging his head low. He was so, so tired. He should get back to his bed, but he didn't know how to say it without being a killjoy. Wasn’t sure he really wanted, either.

He opened his eyes. 

His neck was stiff. Little spots of cold winter light sipped through the holes in the blinds and reflected on the dark screen. Slowly, he realized he was more or less laying down. Trying to fight the dizziness off, he closed his eyes again, remembering how he ended up like this. Nothing. He just gave a break to his eyes, and… He might have passed out from exhaustion on the spot. He didn't feel like he had slept, but at least the world stopped moving on its own when his eyes turned too quickly.

He collected his thoughts, focusing on how his body felt. A bit sore, but warm. Very warm. There was a blanket around him. Something around his wrist, and a rhythmic tingling on the crown of his head. Confused, he opened his eyes again. The fabric against his cheek wasn't pink. It was Yellow. A bright, warm yellow. 

Something dropped in his stomach, and his breath got stuck for a bit, processing what it implied. Now perfectly awake, he took a better look around him, not moving a muscle. The thick blanket thrown over him hid most of the situation, but he could clearly feel San’s torso under his head and arm. His eyes followed said arm, to find San’s fingers loosely wrapped around his wrist, barely visible with this angle. Left where it was when he tried to attack him. They were slightly bended on the bed, propped up by the huge bear in the corner. And if that was their position, then that sensation on his head… Was probably San’s breath. 

He closed his eyes again, swallowing the panic rising in his guts. Everything was fine. If he wasn't supposed to be there, San would’ve pushed him, or startled him awake at the beginning, or something else like send him home. He wasn't overstepping his boundaries. It was  _ fine _ . So he should just take a deep breath, and let it be.

That was a mistake. San smelled good. Too good to ignore it. The only reason he kept breathing was by fear that it would wake him up if he was too irregular. Wooyoung was a mess. It was terrible, and he should just get up and apologize for disturbing. Instead, he slightly opened his eyes, watching San’s chest rise and fall with each breath, synchronized with the breeze on his hair. He could even feel his heartbeat against him. With each one, he felt a bit more relaxed. It was okay. He could just… Enjoy it.

San’s thumb grazed the thin skin of Wooyoung's wrist. 

Wooyoung twitched. 

San stopped breathing. 

A loud ringtone shattered the silence, making them jump in terror. They looked at each other. Both perfectly awake. Wooyoung's mouth was dry.

The short song was almost finished when San broke eye contact, climbing out of bed to turn off the alarm.

For the first time, the air was awkward between them. Were they supposed to talk about it ? Ignore it ? Eyes were fixated on the floor and bodies made of stone. Somewhere in the hallway, a door slammed. Finally, San waved his phone.

“I, uh, I should… Finish packing. I can’t miss my train.”

“Yeah… and… I should probably go home now. Sorry for taking over your bed”, he tried to joke.

San tried to smile. Both of their efforts were mildly successful. Wooyoung didn't like that. Right now, he would give a lot to get a bad pick-up line with a wink. Wooyoung took a deep breath. He could turn this around. He just had to be brave enough. It could end terribly, but he just had to try. No way was he going to see San with that guilty face from now on.

“Hey, so, I was wondering”, he started, cheeks burning and looking everywhere except at him. “Maybe this is a bad timing but… I was thinking, maybe… You know, you’re going home and… Perhaps we could… Exchange numbers ? To keep in touch ?”

San gaped a little, stunned, before nodding energetically, handing him his unlocked phone.

“YES. Please. Thank you.”

Wooyoung smiled, sincerely this time, taking it to input his number, and San clapped his hands, realizing something.

“Oh, I almost forgot ! Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He got on his knees, unearthing something from a mountain of bright furs while Wooyoung took the opportunity to send himself a text, so that he wouldn't have to wait for him to do it.

“There”, said San, getting up again. “For you. Don’t open it until Christmas, okay ?” 

It was a very decent size, wrapped in shiny blue paper with white stars, a big and complicated ribbon topping it. Wooyoung subconsciously put a hand on his chest.

“That’s… that’s so nice of you, really. Thank you, San.”

“You’ll tell me that after you find out what’s inside”, he shrugged.

“Wait, I’ve got to give you mine ! Give me a sec.”

San blinked while Wooyoung rushed out.

“Yours ?”

Wooyoung was already back, his bright red and green wrapper shining in the morning light. San kept his round eyes on it as they exchanged their presents.

“I wasn't expecting that”, he whispered.

“What  _ were _ you expecting ? You told me you were getting one for me !”

“Well, yeah, but I- I just wanted to give you something, I don't know, I didn't consider you might give one back !”

“You should raise your standards then ! It’s me you’re talking about, have a little faith. Am I or am I not a god ?”

He laughed, agreeing, and all the tension was gone. When they said goodbye, there was a moment of hesitation, where they just stood there, facing each other. But then, San had smiled with a nod, and turned to the elevator with his bags, and Wooyoung went back to his apartment, putting the gift on his bed and sitting besides it. Eyes on the horizon, he listened to the silence surrounding him that would soon become his new companion.

Without thinking about it, he began to stroke his wrist, where the ghost of a finger still burned his cold skin.


	10. Chapter 10

The screen besides him lit up with a vibration. The familiar sound made Wooyoung smile, and he finished the line of his wall before picking it up.

“GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!”

He chuckled, quickly answering.

“nah”

“I SAID !!!!! GO TO SLEEEEP !!! OR ELSE!!!!!!!”

He liked it when San texted him in the middle of the night because he just knew that he’d still be working. It felt like he cared, when he really didn't have to.

“make me” 

He imagined him, pouting, doing his puppy eyes that made him break every time he tried it on him. San was a dangerous man. He was starting on another wall when the vibration distracted him. 

It wasn't a text.

San, pouting, making puppy eyes, pixelated from the bad light his bedside lamp shone on him and surrounded by the stuffed animals on his bed. 

It broke Wooyoung.

His fingers hovering on the screen, he swallowed. Hard. He closed his eyes, counted to ten, opened them. The photo was still looking at him. He grit his teeth. Slowly expired.

Hit save.

“you cheater.”

“Did it work??!! UwU”

Wooyoung sighed and got up from his desk. It was no use, now his mind had been corrupted and he would never be able to focus again. So he got to bed, laid down in his pajamas, and pondered. Lifted his phone. Angled it. Judged it. Showed a bit more his jawline. There. Perfect. He might as well have a taste of his own medicine. And… Send.

“it did. goodnight”

“AZEU7RUFYIFLFPSTIYDOXM

WOOYOUNG

HOW COULD YOU

I WAS HELPING YOU

CARING FOR YOUR HEALTH

AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN

DEATH

PAINFUL

P A I N F U L

D E A T H

NO HUMAN COULD WITHSTAND THESE GODLY LOOKS

I WON’T EVER BE ABLE TO UNSEE THIS JAWLINE I HOPE YOU’RE PROUD OF YOU

YOU RUINED ME WOOYOUNG

YOU HEAR ME

RUINED”

Wooyoung looked at the notifications multiplying, half smiling, but something wasn't there. He knew that every time he went on a rant like that, it was for comedic effect. He knew his potential, so he also knew that he wasn't making fun of him, but that’s the only way he talked about his appearance. With a lot of violins playing in the background and a dramatic pose. It was like that since day one, and maybe that was the issue. This is how it started. This is what it was. Things you said to flirt without really thinking about it, because it’s flattering. And it bothered him. It really did. 

“gonna sleep now. good night san” 

“Good night. Don’t worry about your work, you can still do it in the morning. I know you can make it.”

And that… That was real. Very real. He smiled, looking once more at the selfie he saved.

“thanks. for, you know, everything.”

“♡”

And who cared about those empty words, when he had that kind of real.


	11. Chapter 11

Christmas at Wooyoung's family house wasn't something extravagant. The table had room for him, his parents, his uncle, his cousin Yeosang, his grandfather. No tree, no… Whatever the Christmas spirit was supposed to be. Yeosang and him get a bit of money at the end of the day, adults exchange bottles of wine and soap, and they all eat things they normally wouldn't. That was it. Not the worst thing ever, but definitely boring.

He had hoped to be able to talk to San to distract himself, but he was very busy with his own festivities and he didn't want to disturb. So instead he scrolled through their conversation, trying to gain some joy this way.

“He's cute”, noted Yeosang.

Wooyoung slammed the phone so hard on the table he thought he broke the screen.

“What the hell, Sangie”, he exclaimed at his cousin.

“You were laughing.  _ Laughing _ . Obviously I had to know why.”

“I swear if you look at my private convos once again I’ll make you swallow your own phone.”

Yeosang was not impressed.

“I’ve known delinquent Wooyoung. Nerd Wooyoung won’t scare me.”

“You really shouldn't try to push your luck.”

“Wow, sensitive much ? Don’t act like you’re embarrassed by your selfies. I know you’re proud of them.”

“That’s NOT the point ! Why do I have to explain to you every time the concept of privacy ?”

“You only know how to flirt when you don’t have a crush on someone”, he explained, unbothered. “I just wanted to see how bad you had it. And, oh boy, that was some awkward messaging.”

Wooyoung glared at him, even more irritated by his expressionless face.

“You think I won’t push that phone down your throat because we’re in public ?” he growled, eyes dark.

Yeosang shook his head looking sorry, like he saw a toddler try to put a cube in the round hole.

“You are so emotionally constipated, I feel sorry for the guy. I hope you have the guts to tell him how you feel sometime.”

Wooyoung got up, but Yeosang was already sprinting to the bathroom, where he would lock himself until parental authority intervened. That fight was already lost. With a sigh, he sat back down, looking again at the conversation, as if hoping for a new text. Anything. But nothing came out, and he resigned himself, putting it back in his pocket.

The dinner was uneventful, besides Yeosang’s snarky comments and Wooyoung's ineffective threats. It was very normal, and they had already exchanged their gifts before midnight for convenience. So when the clock struck 12 o’clock, he wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for all the vibrations in his pocket. He fished it out, looking for a sender in particular.

“HAPPY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!”

The grouped text still made him smile a bit. He prepared his own grouped one, planned to be sent at about 3 AM, made of thanks and you toos. Yunho sent him another one, a custom made.

“And you ! For Christmas I wish for you to be around more often ! That workload can’t be healthy man ! Give me a call, let’s hang out ! I met that guy, he’s just, WOH. You’ve got to meet him too. Don’t be a stranger, okay ?”

Wooyoung winced. Well, he wasn't exactly wrong. But at the same time, he knew what he did had a purpose. He wasn’t ruining his health and relationships for shits and giggles. He looked at the text for a few minutes, and, not finding the right words, decided to deal with it later. Besides him, Yeosang was writing faster than fingers should be able to, new notifications popping at the top of his screen in a non-stop stream. He had always been the popular type. His frenetic typing only stopped so he could lift a perfect eyebrow at his cousin.

“Privacy ?”

Wooyoung groaned, getting back to his own screen. Right then, San started to talk.

“OMG

OMGGGGG

HOW DID YOU KNOW????

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T SEE IT

YOU’RE PSYCHIC WOOYOUNG

ANYWAY”

Followed several pictures of a big stuffed dog in green and red wrapper, blurred with a hand holding it, squished against an ugly Christmas sweater.

“I LOVE IT

HIM

I’M GONNA CALL HIM SHIBER

AND

HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME

COZ I LOVE HIM

THANK YOUUUU

THANK YOU THANK YOU”

“I’m glad you like it, it was hard for me to find something”

“You’re the best Wooyoung !!!

Did you open my gift ?? What do you think about it, is it okay ??? I worked hard on him

Omg what if you don’t like it”

“not opened yet, give me a second”

Wooyoung excused himself from the table, going to the study room, where their coats and belongings were stacked. There, he reached to his bag, almost full because of the blue and white gift inside. He had felt a bit silly, bringing it with him when he could have opened it coming back home, but somehow his promise to open it on Christmas pushed him to do it this way. He took it out, looking at it for a bit before ripping it open, his phone forgotten on the ground.   
  
It was a stuffed dog. Handmade. Big enough to be a pillow, incredibly soft, with very visible seams and cute patterns on the inside of the ears, the paws and the nose, with two glittery glass eyes and a derpy tongue hanging out. The cutest thing he ever saw.

A piece of paper fell from it, and Wooyoung almost didn’t notice it. Curious, he picked it up.

_ Hug it when you’re feeling alone and I’m not there to fix it :) _

Wooyoung stared at the note, face blank.

San made it for him. It took him a lot of time, because he had explained to him once that he had to make special sewing patterns for dolls and didn’t have much experience with it. He put in effort, and thought. Because  _ he didn’t want him to feel alone _ .

His breath hitched, his eyes burned. He read again and again the single line, feeling it carving his way in his heart, tearing everything in its wake. Streaks of fire slashed his cheeks, his throat constricted by hot coals.

_ Hug it when you’re feeling alone and I’m not there to fix it. _

Did it mean San was aware of how much their little interactions meant to him ? How empty it felt when he knew he wasn’t around ?

He noticed ?

… He cared ?

A strangled sound passed his lips, his hands gripping harder the soft fur. Something burned in his chest. It felt like a hole. A fire ready to swallow him whole. Consuming all of his air and thoughts. All that was left was letters in dark blue ink.

_ Hug it when you’re feeling alone and I’m not there to fix it. _

So he did. Sniffing, he held the gift tight, hoping it would ease the pain. Its soft fur collected the tears on his face, and it felt like it had been conceived with this intent. It was there to comfort him. Because San couldn’t, but he wanted to.

He wanted to.

Wooyoung couldn’t have explained himself if anyone decided to come in while he was in this position, but he didn’t care. In this instant, nothing else existed apart from the white dog in his arms.

It took him some time, but he ended up calming down enough to breathe again. He had to compose himself if he didn’t want to fight a thousand questions when he would come back in the living room. When he felt like he was stable enough not to break down sobbing again, he took his phone back.

“So ?

Did you like it ??

I hope so

…

Wooyoung ?

Are you still there ?

Hey

Was it... not right ?

I’m sorry if I did something uncalled for

I just thought   
I don’t know”

Terrified at the thought of him misinterpreting his silence, Wooyoung typed faster than he ever had.

“NONONONO

I loved it !

I really did !

please believe me !

I was just

look

no one ever did that for me and

I got a bit choked up

I mean

no

I was just really touched

thank you for giving it to me

I’ll

use it well

already did

anyway

thank you, it means a lot to me”

Wooyoung watched San writing an answer, deleting it, writing it again. He used this time to wipe his last tears, softly stroking his swollen eyes.

“I’m glad you liked it. I was scared it was, I don’t know…

Crossing a line ?”

Wooyoung licked his lips.

“I’m glad you crossed it”

He waited a few seconds before receiving a picture of San, Shiber squished against his face, shy smile and gentle eyes. Wooyoung still felt the fire raging inside of him, born from so many sparkles. He looked at him, letting a smile bloom on his lips. Warmth. It didn’t hurt as much as it made him feel like home. He took his own picture in response, saving San’s. His eyes, lips and nose were still red and a bit shiny, but he didn’t care. The waterfall of compliments he expected didn’t come. Instead, it was a single text.

“Thank you for the gift, and everything. Merry Christmas, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung breathed in.

“Thank you for being there. Merry Christmas, San.”

He stared at the screen a little more, and when he was sure that the conversation stopped there, put everything back in his bag, stopping by the bathroom before joining his family that was getting ready to leave. Yeosang shot him a weird look, but Wooyoung wasn’t paying merely enough attention for him to be bothered. His fingers kept on fiddling with his phone, hitching to unlock it and read again what just happened. He ended up doing it in the car on their way back home, lingering again on the last picture San sent him.

He wanted to see him again.

  
Fifteen minutes of deliberations later, he had a new background for his phone and a fluffy dog on his lap.   



	12. Chapter 12

Wooyoung was sitting on Yunho’s couch, playing with a cup of water. He was fairly stressed. He had been, as usual, invited to his New Year’s Eve party, to form their high school squad ; himself, his cousin Yeosang, their bodyguard Jongho, and the one keeping them together, Yunho. That was the easy part ; he spent a lot of time with them, he was comfortable. And even if Yunho added that new guy, Mingi, it was still manageable. However… 

Yeosang sat down on the armrest, crossing his legs and lifting a brow. 

“So when’s your crush coming ?” 

Wooyoung didn't even look at him, jaw shut tight. Jongho joined them, wide eyed. 

“I can’t believe Wooyoung found someone after his fuckboy phase.” 

Wooyoung pointed at him menacingly.

“I swear to God if you mention that again you’re going to regret it.”

“I could break your bones with only one hand”, he shrugged, drinking his coke.

“What happened here ? When did I lose all my authority over you ?” 

“Bold of you to assume you ever had any”, huffed Yeosang.

A blood vessel was getting very visible on his neck. Yunho stepped in, Mingi joined to his hip - and they were both so tall, how was that even legal ? Did they exist just to make fun of his height ?

“Give Wooyoung a break, he’s going to meet his in-laws tonight, it has to be stressful”, said Yunho.

“Wait, what in-laws ?” interjected Jongho, lost. “I thought it was just that mysterious neighbor he fell in love with.”

Wooyoung crushed his cup in his fist. Everyone ignored it.

“Well, you know how I stole his number from Wooyoung's phone on Christmas”, explained Yeosang like he was talking about the weather. “We chatted a bit and when I invited him he said he always did it with these two dudes, and that they’re like his parents, and he would never ditch them. So I invited them too. They agreed. We’re having a family meeting now.”

“Yeosang, why are you working so hard against me ?...”

“I’m  _ helping _ you ! Now you get to spend a party with your crush and don't even pretend you didn't want to. You cried when you opened his gift, that freaked me out, I had to do something.”

Yunho and Jongho gasped, Mingi looking mildly concerned. Wooyoung jumped on his cousin, starting a fight with him.

“You WHAT ?!” screamed Jongho.

“Yunho, help, HELP !” screeched Yeosang, wriggling to escape Wooyoung's deadly grip.

“Knock knock”, did the door. 

Everyone froze. Yeosang looked at his cousin like he was asking him why he was not opening the door yet. In fact, they all looked at him like that. Vanquished, Wooyoung let go of him, and got up, ignoring everyone to the best of his ability.

San was there, smiling and shining as usual. He didn't know it was possible, but he smiled even harder when he saw it was him. 

“Wooyoung~ ! I missed you !” he exclaimed, catching him in a hug that made him tumble back.

Wooyoung felt himself die on multiple levels. The stares on his back were boring onto his skin. Luckily, San let him go before he had to reciprocate anything. He was two seconds in and he was already screwed. What did he ever do to deserve this ? His neighbor went past him, waving at his friends with a joyful "Hello, I'm San~", as if everyone wasn't already very aware of that fact. Still a little stunned, Wooyoung lingered by the door, ending face to face with two new guys. One was taller than him. The other slightly smaller. Half a victory was still better than a full failure. 

"Hi", said the small one with a smile. "I'm Hongjoong, and this is Seonghwa. Maybe San mentioned us at some point. You're Wooyoung, right ?" 

And, yes, Wooyoung knew about them. San told him all about how they met in high school despite being in different years with a dancing contest, how they cared for him before graduating, how Hongjoong was the one that convinced him to follow the path of fashion like him and do what he loved for a living, how Seonghwa always managed to make room in his schedule to comfort him despite trying to become a surgeon, how they were the most important people in his life besides his grand-parents. He knew exactly who was in front of him, and saying he was terribly intimidated would be putting it lightly. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he forced a smile out. 

"Y-yeah. It's nice to meet you."

Seonghwa smiled warmly, and on the back of his mind, Wooyoung barely registered wondering if everyone associated with San including him was a model of some sorts.

"I'm glad I finally get to meet you, we've heard a lot about you, you know ?" 

He put a hand on Wooyoung's shoulder, and leaned in a little. His smile wasn't warm at all anymore. The coldness of death seeped through his clothes where he touched him and it took every ounce of frozen bravery in his body not to look down. His low voice was the most menacing sound he had ever heard.

"If you hurt him, I swear no one will ever find your body."

Seonghwa straightened up and everything was normal and warm again. He laughed, and Wooyoung laughed nervously, too. Then he remembered that San told him that he had access to the mortuary and its bodies for training purposes, and he didn't really feel like laughing anymore.

"Anyway, thanks for inviting us", Seonghwa concluded, patting his back and heading towards the rest of the group.

Hongjoong followed him, giving him a mischievous smile, and Wooyoung stood there, in front of the empty door, just a bit longer. 

It was going to be a long night.


	13. Chapter 13

It wasn't even midnight and everything was already getting out of hand. 

Somehow, two very inebriated Yunho and Mingi started trying to showcase their pole dancing skills using each other as the pole. Yeosang was filming everything from the countertop, explaining to Seonghwa his blackmailing methodology. The latter weakly reprimanded him but mostly brought up suggestions to make it better. Jongho was in the kitchen with Hongjoong, splitting apple after apple while belting out incredible notes, and judging by the older's reaction it was amazing to see. And San… Well, San was besides Wooyoung on the couch, watching the insanity unfold with a never-ending giggle, slightly pressed on his shoulder, and Wooyoung wasn't nearly drunk enough for this. 

"I, I can't", San managed to squeeze out, folded in half.

"I don't think they can either", commented Wooyoung, watching Mingi tumble when Yunho wrapped his long legs around his waist.

San seemed to find it hilarious, throwing himself against his neighbor, hitting his arm blindly because of the tears in his eyes. His hair tickled his cheeks. Wooyoung bit his lips.

"Ah, why didn't you tell me your friends are this funny !" he complained, getting up again, but his face changed when he looked at him.

Wooyoung didn't understand, but then he noticed that San wasn't exactly looking at him in the eye. Lower. He was still biting his lips. He stopped. San looked up. What was that. What. 

"Well just look at what happened when Yeosang learned you existed", quickly said Wooyoung looking elsewhere, his cheeks suddenly hot. "He stole your number and then started telling you embarrassing stuff from when we were little."

"If that can make you feel better he also said you were a good catch !" 

"Oh my god", he whined, hiding his face behind his hands. 

He really needed a drink now.

"Also my parents seem to like you and your friends."

"I think Seonghwa just threatened to kill me when he entered", said Wooyoung, muffled.

"What ?! Mom ! Mom !!" 

"Yes Sannie ?" Seonghwa beamed, letting Yeosang do his thing alone for a second.

"Did you try to scare Wooyoung ?" he accused.

"What ? No. I just told him what consequences his actions could have. It's important to disclose that kind of things since the begging."

"Dad !!" 

"Yeah ?" ringed Hongjoong's voice from the kitchen.

"Did mom scare Wooyoung ?" 

"He went full-on grim reaper on him, it was hilarious", he giggled, his head appearing from behind the wall.

San pouted, and Wooyoung felt his chest hurt. He wasn't the only one affected, because Seonghwa gaped and turned around, scandalized. 

"Why did you tell him ?! I thought you had my back !" 

"Nope, never said that~", Hongjoong sing-songed on a surprisingly cute tone, disappearing again in the kitchen.

Seonghwa ran after him, and after a few seconds of contemplation, Yeosang followed, starting a new recording. Mingi and Yunho, confused at the disbandment of their public, looked at each other.

"Why did they leave ?" asked Mingi, lost. 

"I dunno. Oh, maybe to see Jongho split apples ! Did I tell you he can split anything with his bare hands ? Once I saw him split a melon."

"Seriously ?" marveled Mingi, eyes shining.

"Yeah !! Wait I think I've got one ! Come on, I've got to show you-" 

He took him by the hand and led him to the commotion on the next room. Wooyoung looked at San, apologetic.

"Do you want to see Jongho split a melon ?" 

"I'm sorry he scared you", said San, ignoring his proposal. "He's really nice, he's just… A tad too protective sometimes."

"Come on, cheer up, I know he won't kill me", smiled Wooyoung. 

San didn't smile. 

Wooyoung stopped smiling.

"No, of course he wouldn't", panicked San, a little too late. "He wouldn't- just, forget about it okay ? He just wanted to scare you so that you wouldn't mess with me."

"Who would even do that to you ? Nobody could feel alright knowing that they hurt you, you're way too…"

San looked away, his smile turning into a straight line. Oh.  _ Oh _ .

"Oh", he said, because that was the only thing he could think of. "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"It's okay, I'm fine, really", he quickly said, waving his hands. "But they tend to be bit overprotective now. Don't worry though, I know you're someone good. You're fine. I feel safe with you", he concluded with a voice a bit lower, looking at his hands.

Something burned inside Wooyoung's chest. There was the good warmth, the one he became used to when he was with San, but this time there was something different. This time it  _ hurt _ . It hurt so bad, and he didn't know what to do to make it better, his mind saturated with thoughts and questions. He hated that there was someone that wronged him, even though he didn't know anything about it. He hadn't fought for years but he felt ready to punch the culprit square in the jaw if he had the opportunity. And knowing that he trusted him, somehow… 

"I… I used to be someone… Not good", Wooyoung started slowly, making San look up. "I really wasn't. But I'm trying to be better now, and if you think I'm worth your trust, I…"

He wet his lips, fighting with himself to uphold San's gaze.

"I won't disappoint you. I'll keep you safe."

San's eyes thinned as his smile widened, slightly angling his head, and it was so soft, and he was so beautiful, and it burned so much, and-

He really wanted to kiss him right now.

"WOAAAAAH !" 

"GO JONGHO ! GO JONGHO !" 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT !”

“HE’S MUSCLE JESUS !!!”

The screams shattered their bubble, and when they looked at each other again, something was lighter. Wooyoung smiled.

“I think we just missed the death of the melon.”

“Worth it”, San shrugged, getting up to join the chaos.

Wooyoung watched him walk away, consumed by the flame inside of him.

There was no going back now.


	14. Chapter 14

The bathroom, much like its owner, was organized and clean, colored in soft shades of white and blue, cold light raining from the fairy lights on one of the walls. Wooyoung stared at his reflection, water running on his hands, his whole face slightly tainted red and his eyes tired. The party was nearing its end. The countdown, the fireworks, the noncommittal resolutions. The drinks. The stares. The drinks to forget about the stares.

With a sigh, he got out of his contemplation and splashed his face. He was far from being clear enough to think about the blur that was quickly becoming that night. That would be a problem for future Wooyoung. Poor future Wooyoung, always the one to face all the consequences. Maybe he should do something nice for him. Like, prepare a sandwich at home for lunch instead of buying a bad one at the nearest store. Hm. That didn't sound like much. He should be able to find something better.

Wait, was he spacing out again ? God, he was tired. Tired and uselessly inflating Yunho's water bill. Right when he was turning it off, multiple screams and gasps came from outside, followed by panicked footsteps and more screaming.

"Please please open the door it's an emergencyyyy !"

Anguish suddenly overwhelming him, Wooyoung opened, expecting the worst. San was there, frantic, hands held in front of him, covered by a shimmering layer of a pinkish liquid dripping down his wrists, but he seemed okay. He rushed past him, washing his hands to the best of his ability, fighting against the sleeves of his oversized sweater. When he put his hands down the stream, they slid down, and when he put them up to get it to slide down his arm the drops followed. 

"I really really can't get this wet", he whimpered, desperate.

Reacting after a second of being stunned, Wooyoung quickly picked the end of the sleeves to push them up to his biceps. San sighed, relieved. 

"Ah, thank you. This fabric reacts so badly to water, and if it got stained by the watermelon…" 

Wooyoung suddenly realized how close he was to him. To keep the way-too-wide sleeves out of the way, he held them up, hands on the muscles he hadn't noticed before, an arm across his chest. His face was so close, he could count his eyelashes. He would, in fact, seeing how focused San was washing his hands. Then his words registered, and he blinked.

"Watermelon ? Wha… What happened there ?"

"So you know how Jongho splits apples ?" 

"Yeah, they kind of make him do it every time there's someone new to impress them", Wooyoung muttered.

"Oh, so it's like, a whole routine ?" 

"Sometimes we find something new to add and it sticks. At the beginning he didn't sing while doing it, but then Yeosang suggested it and bam, now he does it every time."

"Heh, that's funny", he smiled, rubbing soap between his fingers. "So anyway, you remember how Mingi said something along the lines of, wow, he's so strong I bet he could break a watermelon ?" 

"... They… How did they find one."

"Yunho asked Yeosang if he knew someone that had one nearby, and, turns out- long story short he just came back with one."

"Why am I friends with these people", he deadpanned.

"Because they're funny ?"

"Debatable."

"After they got it they decided he should karate chop it. So I held it up..."

"You could've died", he paled.

"It was fine ! I was even hidden behind the counter so that it wouldn't splash on me."

"You don't know what danger you were in. You've got no idea."

"So I was holding it, and everything was going well, but then the two halves started flying and there was the carpet underneath but I only managed to catch one and when I did I realized my mistake and then… Well here I am."

"Yunho must be so mad."

"I don't know, he seems to soften up a lot when Mingi starts talking. They're cute together !"

"Right ? I'm glad Yunho found someone - I mean they're not officially together but Yunho is starstruck. He's really someone good, he helped me a lot when I needed it. Don't know where I would be if it wasn't for him. So, knowing that he has someone to be there for him… That's nice."

"Yeah", he said quietly. "That would be nice."

Wooyoung blinked. Something felt off. Then he finally noticed San's hands, unmoving under the stream. Washing off watermelon juice would never take that long. He was stalling. Wooyoung licked his lips, far too sluggish to make anything out of the situation he just realised. San, probably feeling the change, finally turned off the water and faced him. His sleeves fell off a little, but Wooyoung's hands stayed where they were. 

So close.

"I guess I'd want that kind of thing, too. I mean, I have Hongjoong and Seonghwa, but, that's not the same, is it ?" 

His voice was light, but subdued, like he was afraid to say it aloud, and the slight smile was contradicted by his evading eyes. Wooyoung never noticed that he was slightly taller than him. The burn in his chest was back, and it wasn't because of the alcohol.

"Mmh", he nodded, feeling so, so stupid. "I see what you mean. I've got my friends too but when you're not there at home I feel- I mean-" 

Wooyoung closed his eyes. What was he saying. Where was he going with this. How did he manage to ruin it every. Single. Time. Maybe he should just walk out before his desinhibition made him say something even worse. 

Something tugged at his hoodie. He looked down to see San's hand curled in a little fist grabbing him loosely. Somehow, it reminded him of that morning not that long ago when it was his wrist instead of his clothes. Something knotted itself in his stomach. 

Wooyoung couldn't look up.

"I just…"

San trailed off, voice incredibly fragile. Everything was overpowering Wooyoung, his hands almost shaking. How close he was, how he sounded, how it burned, how cold it was when he wasn't there, how he wanted more, how he wanted to protect what they had, how he really didn't want this moment to stop but he also really needed to say something-

"If-" Wooyoung's voice cracked, and he cleared his throat before starting again. "You said I could… Hug your gift if I felt lonely and you weren't there ? Well… It's not here, and you're there, so… would you be okay if…"

San interrupted him, locking his arms around his waist and closing the small gap between their bodies. Wooyoung, air knocked out of his lungs despite the gentle touch, hesitantly slid his hands from the crinkled sleeves to his back. His cheek was against his, he felt him breathe against him, and it was a bit like that time on the bed, but so much better. So warm. 

Holding his breath like everything could collapse, Wooyoung started to slowly stroke his back, his fingertips following the curve of his spine, discovering his dips and curves. It felt like something he wasn't ever supposed to do, like a treasure meant to be kept away from mere mortals like him. Forbidden. The feeling was biting him, pushing him to stop, but San started to play with the hair at the nape of his neck, adjusting his arm to hold him better, and the urge to stop subdued. It felt right.

He melted a little into him, relaxing his muscles, and besides his ear, he caught a small sigh escaping San's lips. It was intoxicating. He didn't think about tomorrow, or the muffled laughter coming from the living room. There was nothing else than his burning presence around him. His hands gripped San like he was his only lifeline, and maybe he was. Maybe he liked the way he felt his body react under his fingers. Maybe-

San slightly turned his head, letting the lightest of kisses graze his skin, and Wooyoung was struck by lightning, every nerve relaying the shock. San regained his original place, chin on his shoulder, and Wooyoung finally gasped for air like he just got out of the water. His head kept turning, and he didn't know if it was because of San or the lack of oxygen. Everything was so hot. The fire raging inside of him kept getting bigger and bigger, and it hurt, and he just wanted to-

Before he could understand it, he was kissing his cheek back. His skin was so soft he knew just thinking about it later would make him want to cry. He felt another kiss along his jaw, did the same to him, trailed his lips down his neck, heard him gasp right in his ear. Something broke inside him.

Wooyoung put his hand on the small of his back, pressing him against him when he felt San's lips once again, and he didn't resist when he gripped his hair to tilt his head back. They were too close to see each other's eyes, too tangled to be in front of one another, but they both felt their breaths, too fast, too shallow, too close.

The door slammed shut with a cry of pain, and they both jumped away as if they were burned, as if they weren't looking for exactly that a second earlier. 

"WHAT THE HELL YEOSANG ?!" screamed the voice of Hongjoong from behind the door. 

"Hey I'm not- !" 

Wooyoung took a deep breath, his heart beating way too fast. He didn't know what they were doing and he didn't want to know. What he wanted to know was… San. San was standing right there, just as shocked as him, some strands of hair packed by sweat and too red for it to be just the drinks. They looked at each other, and after the worse seconds of his life, San smiled a little, a sincere, albeit careful smile, and it was all he needed to know for him to be okay. He smiled back, San became more assured, and they laughed a little, maybe from the nerves, maybe to dissipate what was left of tension. He wished he could ignore how hard his hands were shaking.

"I've been here for a while", he said, voice husky. "They must be wondering what happened."

"I bet there's more than two people pretending not to listen in the hallway."

"... I'm going out first."

"Don't mind me", said Wooyoung, turning the water to ice cold and shoving his head underneath.

When everything came to a close, and every guest besides Wooyoung and Mingi left, alone on the sofa smelling like watermelon, Wooyoung thought. He thought about the sly kiss on the cheek San gave him when they said goodbye. He thought of fires and streams of water. He thought of his friends, giving him weird looks. Lastly, he thought about future Wooyoung, and how much he had to deal with. 

Maybe he should just stick with homemade sandwiches.


	15. Chapter 15

Wooyoung opened his eyes when he felt his head move on its own. Everything was drowned out by the dull ache between his temples. Something clinged on the table, and he winced. Right, he slept on the sofa. That was bound to happen. Fighting against his body, he started to get up, but something pushed on his shoulder so that he would lie down again.

“C’mon, stay here”, groaned Yunho with a voice a bit hoarse, putting a hand on his forehead, and that’s when Wooyoung realised what woke him up was his friend putting his head on his lap. “I need my quota of skinship.”

“... What time is it ?” he croaked, noticing the bright sunlight thankfully blocked by the curtains.

“Way-too-late o’clock.”

“... I need to…”

“I gotchu”, interrupted Yunho, handing him a glass of water and a small pill.

“Thanks.”

He got up on an elbow, straight enough to drink but close enough not to displease Yunho, and once the glass was empty, he came back to his position obediently. Like it was natural, a large hand started threading through his hair.

“Where’s Mingi ?” he asked, throat feeling better.

“Still in bed, we took some time to sleep.”

“I don’t wanna know. I’m not like you people, I don’t like to live vicariously through my friend’s love life.”

“Aw, someone’s still salty about yesterday.”

Yesterday. The events in the bathroom flashed before his eyes, and his stomach defied gravity for a few seconds. Right. That happend. San. San’s hug. San’s warmth. San’s lips. San’s skin. So, so soft. He had no idea it could even be this soft. Nothing could ever top that. He felt like crying all of a sudden. Burying all those emotions where they wouldn’t make him look like a fool, he took the easy way out.

“What were you even doing behind that door ?” he sighed, defeated.

“Mingi helped with the watermelon and he wanted to wash his hands but Jongho and Seonghwa were already using the kitchen’s sink, so he went to the bathroom, but he saw you two and didn’t want to interrupt, so he came back, explained the situation to me, Hongjoong heard, went to check, so I followed with Mingi, but then Yeosang noticed and wanted to take pictures, but we were already three people stacked up to see by the crack of the door without being seen, and he kept reaching out for a better angle, and then everyone collapsed and the door closed and, well, that was a failure.”

Yunho was rambling without taking the time to breathe or even remember the beginning of his sentence. Wooyoung just blinked, humming at random times to prove he was still listening. Overall he could deduce that it was the usual. They got curious and then invasive. He really loved them, but sometimes he wished they would learn about boundaries.

“Yeah”, said Yunho out of nowhere. “Sorry about that. Ruining the mood and stuff.”

“Mmh. ‘S okay.”

“You were gonna kiss him ?”

Wooyoung blinked, slowly. He was too hungover to deal with this.

“I mean I know you really insisted with me that he was only your neighbor and all but that and the christmas thing, that seems a bit more than friendly.”

He didn’t even roll his eyes. Too tired.

“Look, I just want to make sure that you’re not in complete denial and going head first into a wall. What if you  _ really  _ think what happened was normal ? Come on, you’ve got to tell me that there’s something. I’m not asking for a love confession, just tell me you’re beyond the no homo phase.”

“Yeah, I am”, he said dryly.

“Thank god.”

“Now can you please stop being obsessed with this. All of you.”

Yunho didn’t answer, the silence stretching between them. In the end, Wooyong closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry. That was rude. I know you’re just worried for me.”

“It’s fine, I won’t bother you with it anymore if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, no. I’m just… Scared, I guess.”

“Why ?”

“I don’t know.”

He opened his eyes again, but didn’t look at Yunho. The fingers gently parting his hair were soothing.

“I, I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to take it too seriously when it could be completely casual and I don't want to treat it casually when it could be very serious.”

Yunho slightly frowned, confused.

“Is it the kind of thing you can choose ?”

“I don’t know”, moaned Wooyoung, rolling on his side, away from him, hiding his face in frustration. “I don’t know anything. I don’t even know what that was yesterday.”

“So you haven’t identified the romantic slash sexual tension between you two yet ?”

Wooyoung moaned louder, rolling on the narrow space of the sofa. Yunho watched him make a scene, patiently patting his head.

“There, there. It’s okay. You’ve already done this.”

“But it wasn’t  _ the same _ !”

“Do you need any advice ?”

“Yes, how do I survive ?” went the muffled voice against Yunho’s thighs.

“Step one is breathing. Turn your head, Wooyoung.”

He obeyed, and Yunho flashed him a smile.

“You’re doing great sweetie.”

“I quit”, groaned Wooyoung, getting up only to get slammed down again.

“Okay, I’m serious Yunho now. You really don’t have to stress yourself so much. San is very much interested in you, and if you doubt it Yeosang has a collection of dreamy gazes directed towards you. He showed me the photos. Also, what happened yesterday could only happen if you were both wanting it. So, what’s scaring you so much ?”

Wooyoung breathed deeply, considering the question. Collected his bravery. Finally looked at him in the eyes.

“So, he does that thing sometimes”, he admitted, voice low. “Out of nowhere, he would go on whole rants about how beautiful I am and he’s been doing that since day one, and I used to only find it weird but now it’s making me really uncomfortable.”

“I thought you liked it when people compliment your looks.”

“Of course I do, but every time he does it I don’t know what he wants from it. At first he was just hitting on me, and that’s fine I guess. And I’m also fine if he just finds me this beautiful. But what bothers me is that he’s always been like that. He said it when we just met, when we were barely friends, when we spent more time together than anyone, he kept going even after meaningful conversations and now I don’t know what to do about it. I usually don’t mind if I’m liked only for my looks but it feels like more and I don’t want to- Look, he keeps saying those pick-up lines and it doesn’t make sense. He should have stopped at some point, or at least switched to something less artificial. Sometimes I’m just talking to him and it’s fine and then he says that I’m a god with the face of an angel and I… I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right. I don’t know.”

Yunho hummed, pensive, and Wooyoung felt already a little better.

“Did you talk to him about it ?”

“Obviously no.”

“Well, you should. You would know why he does it and I feel like if he knew how uneasy it made you feel, he’d stop.”

“Yeah but, it also really feels like I’d be asking him to stop the flirting overall.”

“I think he’ll be able to tell the difference.”

“I really don’t want to mess it up”, Wooyoung whispered.

Yunho’s eyes softened, and he smiled gently.

“You’ve got this. I know you can do it.”

Slowly, Wooyoung smiled back.

“Yeah. Thanks, Yunho.”

“No prob bob.”

“You know, I really feel nice when he’s there”, he mentioned, trying very hard to make it look trivial. “When… when I know he’s right there at the apartment, it feels… like I’m home. Like I’m not alone.”

The hand carding through his locks finally stopped, and Yunho took some time to talk again.

“Did you want to kiss him ?”

It was almost the same question than earlier, but this time it had no trace of teasing of prodding. It was more of a hand he held out for him to take, a way for him to express himself when he struggled. Gentle, respectful. Wooyoung laughed a little.

“Yes. I really did.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning : This chapter features a description of a panic attack. If it makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip it. There will be a summary in the notes at the bottom.

Wooyoung wasn't expecting this. Or maybe, deep down, he was. In fact, maybe the thought was nagging at the back of his head since he had been given that assignment. Maybe he choose to silence it when San invited him to his apartment, before he left and after he came back, knowing how much time he was losing. Maybe he ignored the sirens blaring in his head when he accepted to sleep over at Yunho's house and they stayed up way too late talking together. And definitely, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his mind drifting towards soft skin and warm touches.

But maybe, maybe all of those were nothing more than excuses. Maybe. 

The only thing he knew was that the model in front of him on his desk was not ready to be presented, and probably never will. It was wrong on so many levels. He had nothing to defend it. Nothing to defend himself. He tried to save it, but his mind had been blank for weeks. It was like he had never heard of architecture in his life. Nothing worked. References, books, moodboards, even music or a walk outside. He knew he could do better than this. But could he, really ? 

In the darkness of his apartment, he put his hands on the plinth. All he had to do was to take it, bring it to his classroom, and then let the judgmental looks wash over him. Let everything happen and not feel anything, because he knew they were right and he couldn't allow himself to  _ feel _ how right they were.

Securing his grip, he lifted the light structure. Shaky hands, shaky breath. He just had to do this, and then it would be over. Well, not exactly. Then would come the discussions between students, and the reviews, and the teacher would pull him aside, like he had done before, to explain to him that there was a world beyond college, and that if he didn't have what it takes to make it there, then he should seriously reconsider his career choices.

His jaw shut tight, he went all the way to the door before his legs froze. Fingers digging into the cardboard, he willed himself to keep going. He had to. It wasn't nice, but it was the result of his work, his responsibility, whether he liked it or not. He  _ had _ to do it. All of it. Go to class, look at the other, better projects, get a miserable mark, see written with ink on paper just how much of a failure he was-

The base snapped in half, pierced by his knee. He stood there, leg up and whitened knuckles holding the bent plinth, the walls on it mostly intact as if to mock him. He threw it on the floor, more and more enraged by his resistance when the roof didn't collapse. Any other day it would have shattered with a little breeze, but this time,  _ this time _ it was made of steel ?! He stomped brutally on it, destroying everything he could, blinded by his emotions, furious that it wouldn't cease to exist faster, that a wall was still there, that the staircase-

"Wooyoung ? Are you okay ?" 

A soft knock on his door. Of course, San was there, waiting for him in the hallway. Of course he would hear that. Of course.

"I'M FINE !" he screamed, smashing what was left of his model against the wall.

The pieces finally fell apart, undone, but he could still recognize every part that took him hours to craft. It wasn't fine. He wasn't fine. He collapsed on himself, head between his knees, heaving. This wasn't supposed to happen again. Not supposed to, not fine, not fine. His hands crept up to the back of his head, tugging at his hair to try and ignore the erratic breathing, the tears, the pain on a throat full of restrained wails.

"Wooyoung, what's wrong ? Can I come in ?" said the muffled voice, worried.

He flinched at the sound, falling against the wall, away from the door, a pitiful whimper escaping from his quivering lips before he blocked his breathing again. He didn't want someone to come in and see him like this. He didn't want to  _ be _ like this. Not again. Forcing himself to straighten up a little, he inspired sharply and slapped himself. Hard. The stinging stunned him for a couple of seconds, and he thought it was the peace he was looking for, but an ugly sob ripped through his throat and he braced himself against the wall not to go down again.

"Wooyoung", now begged the voice, the knocks becoming frantic. "Wooyoung please let me in ! Please. I don't know if I can help but I- I- Let me try ! Please let me help you, please let me in-" 

Wooyoung bit his lip, too hard. His head was swirling with thoughts, and maybe because of hyperventilating, and he wanted to disappear and be left alone, but somewhere in the chaos of his mind he remembered a night, so long ago, where he heard someone cry behind a wall and wished he was there for him.

Before his brain could stop him, he yanked the door open, eyes scrunched shut. He felt San run up to him and cradle his head, checking if he had any injuries, his fingers ghosting over his red cheek.

"Are you okay ? No, I know you're not, but are you hurt ? Physically ?" 

Wooyoung managed to shake his head, and next thing he knew he was locked in his arms, a hand soothing down his hair where his scalp was still aching, warmth engulfing him. Weakly, he grabbed his jacket, grounding himself, and, finally allowing himself to breathe, broke down sobbing on his shoulder. San rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back.

"It's okay, it's okay", he whispered. "What happ…"

Wooyoung didn't need to hear his soft "oh" to know that he finally noticed the wreck behind them, and his body tensed. What was he supposed to do, now he had nothing, he was so stupid, what could he-

"Let's go to my room, okay ?" San suggested, slowly pulling him out.

Wooyoung nodded, staggering against him during the short distance, and he wasn't sure where he was but he heard his door close and another open.

"We're here."

"I'm… Sorry", Wooyoung forced out against his collarbones. 

"No, no, don't be, it's okay", San immediately denied.

"I- I sh- shouted a- at you", he tried to say, feeling even more terrible.

"No you didn't, you were shouting at yourself. I'm not mad…"

"I- I-" 

"It's okay. Don't worry. It's okay."

"Y- you- you're going- be late-" 

"No, I'm not going today. I'm sick."

That made Wooyoung stop and take a step back, looking at him for the first time. He searched what was wrong, feeling awful for making him worry when he's too sick to go out, but he looked the same as usual, and wait, why would he be dressed up and waiting in the hallway if he intended to stay ?

"... Are you ?"

"Kinda, it's not that bad."

And his tone was so straightforward, his face so honest, that he didn't question it any more and fell back in his arms. Somehow, it felt safe to be there with him. He cried a lot, letting himself be reassured and calmed by San, until there was nothing left in him. 

"You want to sit down a bit ?" he then asked, when he was sure Wooyoung could talk again.

"Yes, please", he exhaled, voice hoarse and tired. 

He could barely stay upright, but followed San to his bed way better than he did in the hallway. They stayed against each other until he sat down, and that's when Wooyoung noticed that his hands were still firmly holding San's clothes. Ignoring the emptiness coming with this new distance, he unfolded a finger after another until the fabric fell back, wrinkled. His joints were painful. San straightened himself. Wooyoung wanted him to come back. 

"I'm getting you some tissues."

"Oh no, I ruined your clothes", he lamented himself.

"It's just water, it will be fine in five minutes !" 

"You know it's not just water", he sighed, hiding his face, not even daring to imagine how he must have looked like. 

"Here."

He handed him tissues, sat besides him, and Wooyoung felt better. In fact, he felt so thankful that he almost started sobbing again. San noticed, and put a hand on his nape, playing with the short hair there.

"Thank you", he chocked out, cleaning his face. 

"Are you feeling a little better ?"

"Yeah, I- I think so."

"I'm glad."

Wooyoung looked up and San was there, beaming at him, his smile a healing apparition. He wasn't back to normal yet, but he was getting there. The walls were brightly colored, the yellowed lights reflected on his eyes, and he felt like he could lean on him, in every sense of the word. So he did, and San naturally put an arm around him, letting him nestle on the crook of his neck. 

"Are you okay ?" 

"I just need a minute", he whispered.

San hummed, brushing his thumb against him. Eventually, his breathing completely evened out, and, after a few tries, he managed to speak again. 

"I had a project to turn in today", he said weakly.

"You don't have to explain yourself, you know", San whispered.

"It was really not good, and I couldn't bear to show it. So, I kind of… Snapped."

"..."

"It doesn't happen usually. Anymore. I didn't know how to deal with the pressure but- but now I do. I… Though that I did. I just…"

"It's okay to break down once in a while, you've got a lot on your shoulders."

"And I broke it", Wooyoung sighed, lost in his thoughts. "I could've gone with something bad, but now I've got nothing to show for myself."

"... How much time would you need to build it back up ?" 

"Huh… If Monday was the deadline, I could make it and correct some things, I think. Thanks to the weekend I could have the time to change what was very wrong. But I have to go, if I just skip without a word I'll get a zero… "

"Do you mind if I make a call real quick ?"

"No ?" he answered, curious. 

San pulled out his phone, dialing a number and waiting a few seconds before someone picked up. He was so close, he could hear both sides of the conversation.

"San ? Why are you calling so early ?" 

The voice seemed vaguely familiar, and drowsy with sleep.

"Hi mom, sorry, am I waking you up ?" 

"It's San ? Is he okay ?" said another voice, further away but just as tired and confused.

The first voice, that Wooyoung now recognized as Seonghwa, quickly shushed him with a faraway "That's what I'm asking" before coming back to the phone.

"Yeah, we were sleeping, but that's okay. Is there something wrong ?"

"Yes but I'm safe", he said quickly, trying not to worry them. "I just need help with something. Hi, dad !"

"San said hi."

"Hi Sannie", half screamed Hongjoong.

"So what do you need ?"

"You know my friend Wooyoung ? He really needs today and tomorrow off but he can't exactly go to the doctor right now…"

"You want me to forge a medical certificate for the administration ? It's been a while."

"Also, could I get one too ? The same ?" 

Wooyoung almost heard Seonghwa frown on the other side of the call.

"To stay with him ? Is he here right now ?" 

"Who's with him, what ?" echoed Hongjoong. 

"No he's not", San answered, a beat too late.

"Oh my GOD he IS !" Seonghwa screeched.

"Who, what's happening ?!" panicked Hongjoong.

"That's really not-" tried San, but his voice was drowned by Seonghwa's.

"Sannie's with Wooyoung right now !!" 

"But it's like, 6 AM ? What is he doing there ?" 

"Exactly !! What are you two doing together so early ?!" 

San turned around the best he could with Wooyoung still on his chest, and switched to whisper-shouting, like that could mask what he said despite being only a few centimeters away. His voice broke out in high whines, and Wooyoung couldn't help but find it cute.

"Mooom, you're embarrassing me !" 

"You said you'd text me if anything happened between you two, and I've got nothing on my phone !" complained Hongjoong, now closer. 

"Because nothing happened !" 

"There is absolutely no platonic reason for two people to be in the same bed at that hour on a weekday !" asserted Seonghwa.

"Who talked about a bed, you're imagining things !" 

"Are you on the bed right now ?" 

San looked down. At the mattress. Of course they were, it was the only comfortable way of sitting. He took too long to figure out how to explain it.

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE IN BED WITH WOOYOUNG."

"We're not  _ in _ the bed, we're ON the-"

"HE REALLY SLEPT WITH HIM ?!" 

"SANNIE DID YOU USE PROTEC-"

Everything suddenly stopped. Wooyoung looked up to see San with his lips stretched in a straight line, his phone's screen turned black.

"Oops, seems like the line got cut", he smiled at him with zero conviction.

The phone immediately ringed in his hand with the caller ID showing "Mom ♡" in bright letters. San declined the call without even looking before putting his phone in silent mode and throwing it on the other side of the bed. 

"Anyway, now you've got the time to do your stuff. Don't worry about getting caught, mom did it all the time for me when I was in a bad place or for dad when he didn't sleep enough. He's great at it."

"Are you just going to ignore everything else ?" chuckled Wooyoung.

"Yes ?" 

"Fair enough."

They stayed there in silence, and Wooyoung felt calm. He had so much stress piled up, just came out of a mental breakdown, and yet, right now, he felt okay. Tired, spent, but okay. San was warming him up on this cold winter morning, and nothing else mattered.

"What do you want to eat for lunch ?" San asked softly. 

"I don't know", smiled Wooyoung. "I kind of feel like throwing up right now."

"Let's think about it later then. We might have to go to the store though. Did you sleep at all last night ?" 

"No, not really…"

"Then let's start with this. Lay down for a bit."

Wooyoung left his cozy spot against him, straightening up. He caught San's gaze, soft and caring, and almost leaned in again. Instead, he smiled back at him.

"Thank you, San."

His grin became even wider. 

"Don't mention it."

Wooyoung rolled over, landing between the plushies and the pillows, and made himself comfortable, San getting up. He was this close to ask him to stay with him, already missing his warmth, barely containing himself from formulating his greed aloud. Everything already smelled like him from his sheets to the huge bear behind his back, and he was right there, getting out a ball of yarn. He was safe. The last thing he saw before his heavy eyelids closed was San's peaceful smile, and it felt right. 

It felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi to those who skipped ! What happened is that Wooyoung couldn't take the pressure of handing out his project, so he broke it before going out. San came to the rescue, helped him calm down, and offered him to take a break in his apartment for a while so that he could feel better and work on his project in a safer place.


	17. Chapter 17

The first thing he saw when he woke up was Shiber, the gift he gave San for Christmas. It took him a few seconds to remember why it wasn’t his white dog instead, and when it dawned on him that he wasn’t in his room, he didn’t feel as panicked as he thought. Instead, he slowly sat up, ruffling his hair and adjusting his clothes. He felt dirty and sticky, being dressed to go out on a january morning and definitely not to sleep on a bed with a heater in the vicinity. He desperately needed a shower. He looked around him, finding San knitting something at his desk, absorbed in the repetitive movements. He was turning his back to him, and Wooyoung took some time to just look at him.

The first time they met, if he had to be honest with himself, he had been kind of a jerk. Sure, he ended up helping him, but he didn’t even let him finish to talk before heading out and had been overall very dismissive. And yet, San kept being cheerful and open, always talking to him with a smile. He couldn’t even imagine doing that kind of thing to him now. In fact, he was even a bit angry at himself for acting like that. He had his reasons at the time, but now that he looked at said reasons they didn’t feel justified.

San messed up a loop, swearing under his breath, and Wooyoung kept staring at him, still not warning him that he was awake. Truth be told, San had done a lot for him. Even in small ways, he always went out of his way to make his day a little brighter. Sometimes he’d wake up early to be with him waiting for the bus. Wooyoung knew that he didn’t have any classes to go to those days, but he never mentioned it, because he did the same thing. He didn’t have any proof of that, but he felt like he knocked at his door for random things every time he felt down. And there was the white stuffed dog, carefully put beside his pillow, mirroring Shiber in his bed. The soft touches, the encouragements, the smiles. Everything that made him so bright, so warm, a sun that left him in the dark when he was away. It was kind of pathetic, how desperate for his light he had become. How he withered in his absence and breathed better close to him.

How he loved him.

He exhaled shakily, grabbing the sheets to ground himself.

He loved him.

San turned around, alerted by the small sound, and smiled so hard his eyes turned into two slits. Wooyoung’s heart shattered.

“You’re up ! How are you feeling ?”

“I’m good”, he lied quietly, or maybe he didn’t lie, he wasn’t sure at this point.

“It’s past noon already”, San said, putting down his work. “We should get something to eat. I don’t have much here, I wasn’t planning on being a host today. Let’s go to the convenience store.”

“I would like to wash up a bit before”, sighed Wooyoung, tugging at his shirt.

“Do you feel good enough to go back to your apartment ?” said San, worried.

Wooyoung’s mind went back to the ruins of his model, broken on the floor. He felt himself deflate, physically and mentally.

“Nevermind, you can shower here”, decided immediately San, getting up and holding out his hand. “Give me your keys. I’ll clean up your place while you wash yourself.”

Wooyoung hesitated, but quickly caved in when San made a small noise to insist. He felt bad that someone else was going to pick up the pieces of his own mess, but who was he to say no to him ? So he watched him go, stopping right before he closed the door.

“By the way, take some of my clothes, you can’t put that back. Don’t worry about your style, I won’t judge.”

And just like that, he was gone. Emptying his mind, Wooyound obeyed, choosing the dullest clothes available and going to the bathroom. Similar to his, but ever so slightly different. It felt good to let the water wash his tension away, and he was almost peaceful when he came to the part where he had to put on what he knew San had been wearing at some point. He couldn’t really look at himself in the mirror once dressed, but he could mostly deal with it as long as he didn’t breathe too hard or thought about how it was a bit too large. He could do this. After roughly drying his hair with a towel, he got out at the same time San came it.

Holding the door open, San eyed him from head to toe, frozen, and Wooyoung’s carefully crafted composed attitude crumbled down.

“You’re back ?” he tried, ignoring to the best of his ability that he was blatantly being checked out.

“I, what, no”, he spluttered, finally looking at his eyes. “I was just, uh, getting this.”

He turned to the wall a broom was laying against, and picked it up.

“Be right back.”

The door closed. Wooyoung didn’t hear any footsteps following it. He hid his face behind his hands, dying a little inside, before shaking himself. He could do this. San being flustered didn’t mean that he had to be. Channeling his inner peace, he went to the bed and took his phone, hesitating before sending a text to Yunho.

“so maybe i understated some things last time we talked”

He closed his eyes. He knew San was still behind the door. His phone vibrated, making him jump a little.

“You mean after the party ? About San ? What happened”

And now he was expected to put it into words ? How was he supposed to ? Why did he even start this conversation ?

“nevermind”

“WOOYOUNG DON’T DO THIS TO ME”

He pulled a face, nervously looking at the door.

“so maybe i’m kind of”

“Yes ??”

He sighed, his fingers tapping idly at his screen.

“i think i l”

He erased it.

“is it bad if i want to”

Erased.

“how can i”

Erased.

Yunho was not having it.

“You know I can see you write right ? Cmon just tell me I won’t make fun of you

Don’t leave me hanging man”

Wooyoung heard a muffled thud against the door and waited a bit, ready to put his phone away the second it would open, but nothing happened. Resigned, he came back to Yunho.

“i’m at his place right now”

“Don’t you have classes ?”

“i do”

“Wtf since when do you skip class

I mean yeah you always did back then but you haven’t for a while now”

“that’s not the point”

“What is it then”

“i’m wearing his clothes and i slept in his bed and we’re going to buy groceries and i wasn’t expecting that to happen”

“OMG WHAT HAPPENED HOW DID IT COME TO THIS

SO DOMESTIC”

“that’s NOT THE POINT”

“YES IT IS”

“NO IT’S NOT the point is i don’t know how to react and i don’t want to be weird”

“Why would you be ?”

“i kind of”

Wooyoung blinked. Swallowed.

“want to stay the night”

The door opened, and Wooyoung’s phone teleported itself to his pocket. He ignored the vibrations as San came in, avoiding to look at him, preferring to adjust the broom he used as an excuse against the wall.

“I’m back”, he said after clearing his throat.

“Should we go then ?” Wooyoung asked, getting up.

“Sure, let me just get my things.”

He passed by him to take his money, eyes fixed anywhere that wasn’t Wooyoung.

“Hey, San ?”

He hummed as an answer, focused on his wallet. Wooyoung smiled.

“San ?”

His eyes darted towards him, only to flee once again.

“What ?”

“What do you think of my fashion choices ? You see something to improve ?”

This time, he really looked at him, searching his eyes before going down his frame. He felt his gaze roam across his body, estimating and measuring, and after a while, San opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again.

“... I’ve got a perfecto that would fit so well with this”, he whispered, a craving lull in his voice.

Wooyoung wiggled his eyebrows, opening his arms and nodding towards the closet. San almost ran to it, fighting against the hangers until he found what he was looking for. He helped Wooyoung get it on, lingering to adjust it and check the details before he took a step back, his eyes shining, satisfied. But then he looked up to his face, and his hand shot to his chest.

“Oh my god, I can’t do this. Why are you so beautiful ? How am I supposed to deal with this ? Do you have any idea what I’m going through right now ? I’m just a human, I can’t look at a divinity so close to me ! Do you- Can I- You know what I need to take a picture of this. This is too much.”

Wooyoung felt uneasy at the usual overreaction, but put it away for the sake of the mood finally getting lighter. He will address it. Just… not right now.

“You intend to use me as a model ?” he joked, taking a pose exposing his jawline. “You’re lucky it’s you, I’m doing it for free, but next time it won’t be that easy.”

“Can I pay you in food ?” he asked, lining up his phone for the best angle.

“You know me too well”, he smiled, and just like that, everything was back to normal.

The store was close to where they lived. It was small, cramped, and had a wall of food ready to eat for all the students too broke or lazy to cook anything. They probably should have been realistic and limited themselves to packaged sandwiches, but they ended up wandering between the narrow shelves barely allowing two people to stand besides each other. While San compared the price tags between two cheeses, Wooyoung quickly checked his phone.

“You mean stay the night as in have a sleepover or netflix and chill ?

Who am I kidding you’re totally at the sleepover phase lol

Anyway I’m sure you can just ask him. You know, with words. Because communication is a thing

Oh wait you only have single beds right ?

Not like you would mind lol

Or him tbh

Hey are you still there ?

Did you die

LOL Hongjoong just told me San was in a huge gay panic

Well done bro lmaooo

See, when you try you can actually do it”

Wooyoung sighed.

“since when are you and hongjoong so close ? are you all relaying everything we say to you ?”

He was putting away his phone when he received the answer, the preview enough to read it.

“Maybe”

Not even bothering to unlock his phone, he made it disappear in his pocket, grumbling. San turned to him, eyebrows raised.

“What’s wrong ?”

“Yunho is… well, he’s being Yunho. Whatever. You found what you wanted ?”

“Yeah, I’m taking this one. We should take some drinks too.”

San was looking at the next shelf, trying to remember what they should take next, and Wooyoung was looking at him. In the middle of the teasing, there was something he knew was right. He just had to talk to him. Now. He took a deep breath, counted to three, and jumped in the unknown.

“So, I’ve been thinking”, he started.

“About what ?” said San, kneeling to reach for a bottle of coke.

“You know, when you… when you say that I’m a god and you get on those rants about how beautiful I am ?”

San slightly frowned, getting up slowly, without his bottle. He was anxious.

“Yeah ?”

“I… I was wondering if- if you could… stop that.”

San inhaled sharply, and he couldn’t hide the instantaneous hurt and confusion in his eyes before he forced out a smile. Wooyoung wanted to slap himself.

“Ah… okay”, he said, and it sounded hollow. “Why... ?”

“I’m not saying- It’s not because I don’t like you complimenting me”, he tried desperately to explain, hoping it could somehow stop San from feeling this way. “And it’s not that I don’t want you to think I’m beautiful, it’s just, it’s really confusing me ! You’ve been saying stuff like that since we met and, it’s fine if you hit on me like that, but you just  _ keep doing it _ and I can’t understand it ! I’ve been with a lot of people that only liked my appearance, and that’s fine I guess, but we’ve talked so much and we got close and- and I don’t want it to be only this. You’re more than this.”

San’s gaze dropped to the floor, readjusting his grip on the bag full of food. On the other side of the alley, a customer decided to go somewhere less emotionally charged.

“And I don’t want you to believe that means I don’t want you to- to be close to me. Please don’t think that’s what I want”, he rushed, his stomach knotted.

“I only said those things because that’s what I thought in the moment”, he said quietly. “I didn’t want to make you feel like it was the only thing that mattered in my eyes. Because, it’s not. I wouldn’t be there with you if it wasn’t for who you are as a person. I’m sorry I made it seem like it wasn’t the most important part. I would never see you as only a face or a body.”

A weight lifted itself from Wooyoung’s shoulders. Finally, it was clear in his head. It felt liberating to hear him say it aloud.

“... But I meant everything I ever said to you”, San said after a beat of silence. “So, should I… Just not say it anymore ?”

“No, I mean, I…” Wooyoung scratched his head, struggling. “I didn’t understand that it was… like that. If you say that it’s more than just that, I- I don’t mind. I’m sorry, I should have mentioned it earlier…”

“Oh, thank you, I don’t know what I would’ve done if I couldn’t say it aloud”, he sighed, relieved. “Because you’re really beautiful, and sometimes it’s kind of overwhelming. I need to externalize all of those feelings.”

San took a step towards him, and delicately, looking for the slightest sign of rejection, he laced his fingers with Wooyoung’s.

“I think you’re amazing”, he whispered, a shy smile on the lips. “You’re nice, hardworking, cute, honest, and no matter what, I know I can count on you. I know you’re always doing your best. I know that even when you’re really tired in the mornings, you still make an effort to make me smile and ask me how I’m doing. So don’t worry, I won’t forget it even if you’re really, really pretty.”

Wooyoung laughed a little, squeezing his hand. San smiled at him, pulling on his hand to keep on shopping, forgetting the coke bottle. He followed, keeping their hands intertwined. 

Finally, the last shadow of his doubts had been chased by his bright sun.


	18. Chapter 18

Wooyoung was spread on the floor, his sheets scattered around him. San had been kind enough to go in his apartment and get him what he needed to work. He tried to share the space on his desk, but Wooyoung was stubborn and refused anything that would be a handicap for his host’s work. So here he was, using his giant bear as a futon, and things were looking up for the first time. Working on the ground had, quite literally, given him a new perspective on things and he was fairly certain he could get a passing grade this time. All he had left to do was to revamp his whole project and make a model from scratch. In three days and a half. No big deal. Who needs sleep anyway.

San stretched with a groan, his back making a sinister noise that could be heard now that the sewing machine calmed down. It was louder than when he heard it on the other side of the wall, but its rhythm helped him to focus on his blueprints. He checked the time on his phone, a bright 3:48 stinging his eyes. It wasn’t a surprise when he heard San get up from his chair.

“Hey”, he said, crouching besides Wooyoung.

“Hey.”

“You’re getting somewhere with this ?”

They were almost whispering, trying not to replicate what happened with Mario Kart. The neighbors had complained about the noise to the landlord and they didn’t want any trouble.

“I think so, yeah.”

“That’s cool. You want to keep working ?”

“You’re going to bed ?”

“Mmh. My eyes are getting tired, I can’t see properly anymore.”

And that was the moment he didn’t want to happen. The moment when he would have to get up, collect his stuff, and go back to his room. He sighed, painfully getting up, San following him until they were face to face.

“I guess I should stop working, then”, said Wooyoung, adorning a small smile to make up for his avoiding gaze.

San didn’t say anything, busy playing with a shiny thread coming from his stock. They stood there, the silence only growing and getting more tense. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want, but he couldn’t reasonably ask to stay either. San had already been so supportive and accommodating, sleeping there would just be pushing it. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye. It used to be so simple.

“Do you feel like you can go back now, or is it still complicated ?” said San, his voice feeling small.

Wooyoung didn’t want to lie to him. He swallowed.

“It should be fine. It wouldn’t be as nice as _ here _, but it’d be fine.”

The last part was said without him planning to, but it was okay. It was still the truth. San nodded slowly, making a knot with the thread.

“Would it be better if you stayed here ?”

“I think so, yes. But I don’t want you to feel obligated or anything. I’d be okay in my room.”

“... You don’t mind the size of the bed ?”

“I already slept in it once, I can take more of it”, he smiled sincerely, finally looking him in the eye.

San looked up too, mirroring his expression.

“Stay, then. I’ll lend you a pajama.”

And that was how he ended up in San’s bed, all of the little colorful animals discarded at the bottom of the bed to make more room for them. He was squeezed against the wall, and yet his knees still bumped into San’s. Everything was drowned out by the huge blanket covering them, and even if there was a light still on, he wouldn’t have seen much. He was too close, it was too crowded, everything felt too hot. And yet he felt like his own bed, cold, empty, used to be way worse. They were on their sides, saving up as much space as possible, facing one another. It wasn’t awkward. He wanted to reach out, to maybe touch the cheek he knew to be right there, but that want was nothing he couldn’t handle. He was tired, his eyes shut, his mind slow.

“Wooyoung ?” said a small voice against him.

“Yes ?”

“Can I hug you ?”

Wooyoung closed the distance between them, shuffling towards him and snuggling as well as he could. Some arms didn’t know where to go, but he ended up comfortably slotted against him, his chin resting on the top of his head. He could feel his breath on his neck, a leg hooked around his. He didn’t remember the last time he felt so warm.

“Are you comfortable ?” Wooyoung asked, slowly stroking his head.

“Yeah. Are you ?”

“Mmh. I like it.”

“Me too.”

He sometimes felt himself drift away, only to immediately get back to reality with a touch of San’s hands on his back or a change in his breathing. He felt him nuzzle closer on the crook of his neck, and his heart leaped a little.

“San ?”

“Mmh ?”

“Thank you for what you said at the store.”

He weakly shook his head. He could feel the ghost of his lips on his collarbone.

“Don’t thank me. I only said the truth.”

“I don’t have the energy to explain why I’m thankful, so just accept it.”

“Mmh. Thank you too, then.”

“What for ?”

“Mmmh. You guess.”

“I’m bad at guesses.”

“Try.”

Wooyoung paused, and kissed the top of the head under him. He felt his breath hitch in response.

“Are you thankful for that ?”

Soft lips pressed against his throat. His blood boiled.

“Yes, but also no. Try again.”

Wooyoung looked down, kissing his forehead.

"Can't I have a clue ?"

San smiled against his neck, leaving a kiss right under his jaw.

"No, that would be cheating."

"I know you're fine with cheating, mister blue shell."

San giggled, his body shaking a little.

"You're never going to let this go, are you ?"

"I'm never going to let go anything if it’s about you", he whispered, tightening his hold around him.

San sighed, his fingers slowly grabbing at his shirt. The shirt he lent him.

"I know that", he whispered. "That's why I'm thankful."

Incapable of producing an answer, Wooyoung slightly scratched his scalp, messing up his soft hair. The seconds passed by, stretched, holding much more significance than any word could have. His heart was madly drumming against his ribcage, and his stomach was doing wild loops and knots at the same time, but he felt comfortable nonetheless. He knew that was his place, right here, in his arms. No hesitation, no anxiety, just his warmth and butterflies.

Home.

“Hey.”

San looked up, abandoning his hiding spot against his neck to align himself with Wooyoung’s face. The latter couldn’t see it, but he felt his breath caressing him. Almost on his own, his hand left his hair to cup his cheek, and for an instant he relished in the way he could feel everything - the trembling in his breathing, the imperceptible twitch of his cheek, his abdominal muscles contracting.

“Hey”, he said, so weak, so vulnerable, so open, Wooyoung knew a part of himself died that night.

So he closed the distance between them, kissing him softly on the lips. It was innocent, chaste, and yet burning like hot coals. San tugged at his clothes, angling himself a bit to make it easier, but didn’t follow him when he pulled back. Instead, he took his time to breathe again, absorbing what just happened while Wooyoung stroked delicately his cheekbone. After a last shaky sigh, he reached out to kiss him again, missing his lips a little in the dark before correcting himself. It was slow, deliberate, locking them in a hold where not touching the other wasn’t an option. Wooyoung moved his lips against his, letting his tired mind be crossed by some random thoughts in the middle of the intensity of the experience. He would’ve liked to be able to see his face instead of darkness. He could still faintly taste the tea they had an hour before on his lips. His soft, soft lips.

Wooyoung’s hand travelled back to his hair, faintly tugging at some strands to get him closer, as if that was physically possible. San softly gasped at that, opening his mouth, and Wooyoung couldn’t help the quick lick he gave to his lower lip, receiving another one in exchange. San shifted a little, climbing him just enough to give him an easier access, tongue tentatively exploring his, and when Wooyoung let out a small whimper, he could feel his whole body react on him. After having been touch-starved for so long, it felt incredibly overwhelming, and it didn’t help that he was with San. Selfless, wonderful, mind-numbingly incredible San. If it wasn’t for the exhaustion, he would probably be freaking out. Instead, he let the flames consume him, sneaking a hand under his pajama to feel his back and tugging more harshly at his hair, earning him a muffled moaned he swallowed. Nothing existed anymore apart from San. The heat radiating from him, his weight on him, his taste on his tongue. When he pulled away to press his cheek against his, Wooyoung almost whined.

“I’ve been hoping for this for a very long time”, murmured San directly in his ear, voice a bit broken.

Wooyoung shivered under him.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting”, said Wooyoung, light-headed. “I’m pretty slow with feelings.”

San leaned on his elbow, detaching himself from Wooyoung like he wanted to see his face. His voice was so, so small, as if there wasn’t enough air around him to fit what he wanted to say inside the small apartment.

“Maybe it’s not the right time to say that, but, I love you. I’ve loved you for a while now. You didn’t seem very interested, but I couldn’t help myself.”

Wooyoung thought of ways to deflate the tension these words brought. Jokes that would downplay what he was feeling, that would make him feel less exposed. He licked his lips, the unusual taste tickling him.

“I love you too”, he finally said, searching for his hand and holding it. “I’m glad you came in my life. It’s not the same now that you’re here, and I don’t want to go back. Please don’t leave me alone. Please stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere”, he breathed, kissing him once again, only stopping to spread pecks on his cheeks, his jaw, everywhere he could reach. “Does it mean that I can call my family to let them know that the pretty boy I’ve talked non-stop about is now my boyfriend ?”

There was a smile in his voice, but Wooyoung also felt the last traces of fear and uncertainty tainting it. So he stroked his back and squeezed his hand, soothing.

“Only if I can do it at the same time as you. If Yunho or Yeosang knew before I announced it, they would never let me live again.”

San laughed a little, Wooyoung drowning in the sound, the vibrations, everything surrounding him. Suffocating because of the heat and the languid kisses. Stuck under the sheets and him. Right where he was supposed to be.

“Let’s do it tomorrow, then”, San suggested, hanging his head low. “I’m exhausted. I’m really happy, but also, I really, really need to sleep.”

“Let’s do that, then.”

San hummed, kissing him one last time before loving himself on top of him and becoming still, his breathing stabilizing, quickly followed by Wooyoung. And even if they forgot to turn off their alarms that woke them up in the morning, it was with fondness that San looked at him trying to unlock his phone in a panic, half asleep.

With love.

To Wooyoung, love was rhythmic sounds in the middle of the night and colorful fabric. It was white plushies, warm smiles and even warmer hands holding his on the way to the bus. It was late night dinners shared on a small table and even later nights in too crowded beds. But most of all, it was the feeling he had when he came back after an exhausting day and had someone to say hello to. Sometimes they were tired, and it was hard, but they made it work, and it was all that mattered to him. No matter what, he knew he would never be alone again. And even if the winter was cold, he had never been warmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are. Next chapter will be an epilogue to wrap things up. Thanks for reading up to this point, I hope it was entertaining ! :)


	19. Epilogue

Wooyoung was cooking some ramen on the stove when his door opened. San came in, letting his bag fall on the ground with a grunt, and Wooyoung could see him spread his arms in front of the little fan, slowly rotating so that he would cool down on both sides.

“Hi”, said San, getting rid of his shirt in a desperate attempt to get colder.

“Hi. I told you you shouldn’t go out with a jacket this morning”, chuckled Wooyoung.

“I wasn’t even wearing it past eight ! It’s just too hot outside !”

“So, how was your first day of internship ? Is your boss better than the last or should Yeosang and your parents team up again to ruin him ?”

“It was fine”, he smiled, draping himself over Wooyoung. “What are you cooking ?”

“Ramen. Not a big surprise, is it ?”

“Still good by me. Hey, you wanna see something beautiful ?”

“Sure, wha-”

San pulled out a mirror, angling it so that it would reflect his confused face. After a second of disbelief, he snorted, San rubbing his head against his cheek, victorious.

“You’ll really never change”, Wooyoung laughed, taking away his mirror.

“I’ll stop when you stop being this stunning.”

“I can’t believe you could say that while looking like you do. Look who’s talking, seriously.”

“You’re comparing a mere mortal to a deity ? I’m not worthy.”

Wooyoung lifted his leg like he was about to kick him, and San retreated on the side, giggling.

“What about you ?” he asked, planting a kiss on his cheek before putting his arms around his waist. “How was your day ?”

“Fine, I sent some applications, got a bit more done regarding the state of the humongous pile of clothes we’ve got to wash, we should be good for now.”

“I’m sure you’ll get something soon”, he smiled, chin on his shoulder. “Just make sure to be free for the wedding day.”

“What kind of son-in-law would miss it ? Plus, I’m pretty sure Hongjoong would skin me alive.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, he loves you.”

“Maybe, but he also loves when his hours of planning the tables don’t go down the drain and I don’t want to know which one is stronger.”

“Let’s not test your luck. But hey, worst case scenario, mom will be there to patch you up !”

“Or hide the body”, he added, turning down the heat as the water was dangerously close to spill.

San didn’t answer, playing with the hem of Wooyoung’s shirt. Only then did he notice how tense he was. Like a reflex, his hand let go of the pot handle to soothe his hair.

“Something wrong ?” he asked, worried.

“No, it’s just… I was thinking about the end of our lease.”

“Right, it’s getting really close now.”

“And I was wondering if you ever thought about having a roommate ?” he muttered, voice muffled against his shoulder.

Wooyoung opened his mouth, only to close it again. He had kind of forgotten that they didn’t technically live together. Sure, they had each other’s spare key, always came back on the same apartment, switching from time to time, and they had so much of each other’s stuff that the original resident was impossible to guess, but it was still their two little apartments. The thought of them in a real apartment, with a bedroom closed off from the kitchen, with maybe something as superfluous as a couch, where they could play video games on a TV that didn’t need constant removing to be able to work, was incredible. They could afford it with the cost split between them. And it would be their home. Where San would be every time he came back. Every night. Every morning.

“... Should we look for our next place together ?” he suggested, putting a hand over his anxiously twirling the fabric.

“I’d like to”, he nodded, relaxing against him.

Was he nervous because he thought he might get rejected ? Wooyoung found it ridiculous. As if he could say no to more San.

“We should find one that allows animals”, said San, finding his smile again. “I want to get a cat.”

“A cat ? But dogs are better”, he objected.

“But cats are so cool !”

“Dogs care about you !”

“Well I guess our only option is to get both then.”

Wooyoung shook his head, turning off the stove, but he wasn’t annoyed. He had San against him, a warm dinner right before him, and a new life made of, if he was lucky, a stable job to pay for a new apartment. One that would be theirs. Picking up his hand, he kissed his fingers, San sighing contently, and he allowed himself to be once again swept by how right it felt, how happy it made him, how much he loved him.

If his studies had taught him anything, it was to get good foundations if you wanted to build something. And with San, he knew that he would build nothing more stable in his life.

His home.

**Author's Note:**

> /Youtuber voice/ Hey guys, remember to like, favorite and subscribe so you don't miss the next <strike>video</strike> chapter !
> 
> Please leave a comment if you feel like it, feedback is the one thing that keeps me going in the writting department


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